Thursday, October 20, 2016

Ex Mormon #16

Still out of the church. Will never go back. Can't!  Wouldn't! 

Still heartbreaking to realize that it was all made up by Joseph Smith. I have days where I'm totally disgusted at that man. And I have other days where I'm totally disgusted my the current LDS leadership.

This week is the one year anniversary of my resignation. It's been a tough year. It's not easy transitioning out of the Mormon religion. 

I love Jesus. He is God in the flesh. There is only one God. 


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Ex Mormon #15

Learning from the Bible how evil and corrupt Mormonism is to teach that Joseph Smith saw Jesus and Heavenly Father as two separate beings.  You'll read here that God, the light, is Jesus in the flesh.
Here is from John, in the New Testament

John 1:1-9  The Word was God
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 
2 He was with God in the beginning. 
3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 
4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 
5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 
6There was a man sent from God whose name was John. 
7 He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. 
8 He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. 9
 The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.

Continuing on in verse 14:  and then from John 6, verse 29, just because it helps me remember that all the the LDS Church was asking me to do was not needful to my salvation.  With Jesus as my guide, I can safely return to Him.

14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.


29 Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Ex Mormon #14

New word for the day: misogyny
Definition: hatred for women, prejudice toward women 

Certainly the LDS church encourages misogyny. 

The horrors in this life directed at women are vast. My 16 year old daughter told me the other day that she can understand why women become feminists.

If you want to get a clear understanding of the hatred dispelled on the women by the LDS's beloved Joseph Smith, I highly recommend an account that I have referred to before by Joseph Jackson. He was a man who knew Joseph Smith well and his witness is critical to understanding who Joseph Smith really was. The LDS church today has completely covered up this truth, but they cannot destroy it. 

Be relentless in finding out who Joseph Smith really was. It will change your life.  The LDS church may have intimidated you and convinced you that they are not to be questioned. But, I promise that if you go searching beyond the scope of the men you trust in the LDS echelons, you will find truth. I no longer have a shelf that holds the problems with Mormonism, and my life is free.

But worst of all is that while I was a faithful member, I realized that I knew ever so little about who Joseph Smith really was. I realized that it was foolish of me to trust the Prophet and General Authorities who I had no personal relationship with. A little voice spoke inside of me often the fact is that I was giving implicit trust to men I knew nothing about personally. That inner voice would bring this to my attention almost daily. Now that I am released from the LDS bondage, I realize that I heard that voice every single day, but while I was enmeshed, I ignored it. How tragic! The horrors I suffered in that religion could have ended years ago. 

Joseph Jackson account

www.olivercowdrey.com  has the account http://www.olivercowdery.com/smithhome/1840s/1844Jack.htm

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Ex Mormon #13

I have this horrible feeling so much of the time. It's all so hard to believe that this thing that Joseph Smith did is such a giant in so many of my loved ones lives. It was a giant in my life, and currently continues to be, just in a different way. It's like being in a really bad dream, but with no end in sight. Bad dreams end, this doesn't.

I take great comfort that the good that has come from this will continue on in the lives of my children. Thank God they will learn the real truth about Joseph Smith and the Mormon fraud. There are not words that would adequately express my relief that my membership in the church didn't go on for even one more day. 

It's all still so hard for me to believe that I'm writing as I am now. I had been rejecting a teaching in the Mormon faith for the last 15 years or so already and being rejected in my Mormon circles for it. The big teaching that I rejected is the authority the priesthood gives a man. Varying kinds of atrocitites are being perpetrated on my loved ones and those I've come in contact with because of the idea that a man has the priesthood. 

The men in the church are told on one hand not to suppose that they can control anyone because of the priesthood, but then they also are taught that in marriage, at least, that they are the presiding authority. How confusing, to both men and women, husband and wife! But, worse than being confused is that all members of the church have a thing called the priesthood between them and God, between them and their wife, between them and the whole world. I cannot tell you how often I heard credit for miracles and blessings be contributed to the priesthood. It offends me to the max! When I was a faithful member it offended me, and it offends me still. God should receive credit. Give credit with your words to God, not the priesthood. The members do not give credit to God, I don't care how hard you try to argue with me. How often did I hear how grateful the members are for the priesthood? And how very little, if ever, did I hear the members speak of how Jesus healed their infirmity? No, always the priesthood is what is mentioned. It is despicable, utterly offensive, and needs to stop.

I challenge you members of the LDS church to replace your word priesthood with the name Jesus. I also challenge you members to replace your pictures of the temple in your homes with pictures of Jesus. I challenge you members to replace the writings on your walls with words of Jesus, not prophets. I challenge you members to read the Bible, for Jesus's own words are there, read them. 

I love members of the LDS church. I love my family. I have been almost completely ostracized by my family because I would not cower to my father's supposed priesthood authority. My father is a tyrant. Because I do not believe a priesthood has authority over Jesus Christ, I have stood up to my father. I did this BEFORE I found out the Mormon church was an utter fraud in its claims. I reject the idea that he has that I, his daughter, have to give utter compliance with his ideas and views on what is truth and what isn't because he is the priesthood holder and I am not. 

With that being said, I hope that someday things will change. I have great hope that one day things will be different. 




Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Ex Mormon #12



It's been a hard two weeks for our family. Just when you think life is as hard as it can get, it throws you to another new place that you thought you'd never be in. And we continue to live and learn. Because of the sensitive nature of what happened, I won't disclose what has happened at this time. 


Today, I am presenting information about a man named Joseph H. Jackson.  He is mentioned as a cold-blooded murderer by the LDS church Historian Richard Lyman Bushman, in his book Rough Stone Rolling, page 539.



Well, I have read the narrative that Bushman uses as his source to make such a claim. From the Sources Sited page in the back of the book, we see the notation of the source. Apart from calling Bushman an outright liar, I am providing the link to the narrative for you to check out the facts for yourself. Jackson is not the murderer. However, Joseph Smith is the man behind the curtain calling for all of the murders.

Read for yourself. Lucky for us, the narrative has been published online. Check it out.  Direct link is at the bottom of the page. Blogger is giving me trouble. 

http://www.olivercowdery.com/smithhome/1840s/1844Jack.htm


Edited to add: wanting more information about Bushman?




https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Bushmanhttp://www.olivercowdery.com/smithhome/1840s/1844Jack.htm

Monday, February 29, 2016

Ex Mormon #11

If I were to title this post, I would call it Who Needs Pornography When They Can Be A Mormon Instead.


Let me explain.

Mormonism is a sticky, muddy mess of Christianity.  It was really quite brilliant of the founding man, Joseph Smith, and I must say clever indeed.  He took all the good in Christianity and added a complete perversion to it and called it a new religion.  This clever deception made it impossible for me to see the errors of Mormonism when I was in it.

So, why would I relate Mormonism to Pornography.  Well, it's simple really.  It is indisputable that when a person becomes addicted to pornography in an unhealthy way, that it becomes impossible for that person to form a normal and healthy attachment to a real, live, breathing person.

So it is with Mormonism.  Mormon men are taught that they will have privileges in the next life of multiple wives in the great Celestial Kingdom with endless amounts of sex.  Women don't get multiple husbands.  Women get an eternity of creating new spirits that will go into human bodies that will inhabit a new earth, alongside multiple sister wives.  But, the only way a husband and wife get to be a part of this master plan is if they are sealed in one of the LDS Church's many temples.  Oh, the pressure to be sealed there.

Men also have a Priesthood ordained upon them.  Not to mention that the leadership in the Ward's are men.  The men are taught in their meetings that the Lord will communicate with them in regards to family matters.  Sorry women, because you don't have the Priesthood, God won't communicate with you, you'll have to wait upon your husband for any knowledge regarding family matters.  If you have a thought, well, it won't matter, you don't have the Priesthood.  If you're lucky, your husband will consider your feelings.  If you aren't lucky, you will sit waiting upon your husband like a child, ever hoping someday you will get to be treated like an adult.

Might I take a moment to mention the temple.  In the temple, a man is given the new name of his wife before they can get married.  The woman is told that she cannot enter God's presence without her husband calling this new name and pulling her through the veil.  Husband knows wife's new name, wife doesn't know husband's.

I don't know if the LDS Church has made a mess of your life like it has mine.  But, for the same reason that pornography destroys that natural, healthy bond between a man and a woman, so does Mormonism.  A Mormon couple doesn't stand a chance to start their marriage on equal footing.  There will be nothing natural or healthy about your marriage.

It is astonishing to me sometimes when I reflect on the knowledge that I once believed in Mormonism.  There is so much perversion in it, that I find myself baffled that I once so innocently accepted it.

The innoculating that the LDS Church does so that its' member's won't go looking for the real truth of its' evil beginnings is well thought out and a carefully crafted deception.  Oh the shame.  Shame on those men and women who hide the truth.

I realize that there are some women in the Mormon Church who dominate their husband's.  It is prevalent.  Those women, for whatever reason, have found men who don't take advantage of the great power that the Mormon Church promises is their's.

There are several people who continue to come to my blog, but none of you guys are commenting.  That's okay.  I don't know who you are and I will keep it that way.  But, I realize this post isn't all inclusive regarding the complexities of how damaging Mormonism is to marriages, and it is meant to be that way.  If I were talking to any of you in person, we would be able to discuss all of the different scenarios that would cause marriages to be damaged by Mormonism and the similarities that that destruction has with Pornography.


Monday, February 15, 2016

Ex Mormon #10

I had a dream last week that was pretty interesting.

I was on a football team. A game was being played. I was on the sideline and wanted to go in the game. I was all excited when the coach says to me, "No. You can't go in. It's not your turn." I was totally bummed to hear that and my excitement destroyed. 

That pretty much sums up how I feel in my life right now. I'm totally injured from injuries I sustained from a fall 10 years ago, and I have athletic injuries from exercising too soon after having a baby.

So, add leaving a religion and the beliefs that were once so dear to me, and I feel completely broken and out of the game of life.

But, it is telling that I was ready to get in the game. To get a chance to have the chance to make a difference in the game. 

The bench warmers help the starters in practice and their role is vital in regards to the success of their team on game day. The bench warmers need to be ready when called upon to enter the game when the starters need a break, are injured, or the coach wants to run special plays. Sometimes starters are injured indefinitely and a bencher gets to be a starter.

I feel like God is the coach in my life. He has the reins and I'm happy to submit myself to His guidance. I don't know what He's got planned in the future for me. 

When I get to be a part of the game, I think I'd like to go to real estate school. I'd really like to buy beat up houses, fix them up and make them beautiful for people to buy. Sounds good to me.

I love gardening too and another part of me would love to do a nursery.

I'd love to homestead too. Have a bee farm. Own my own cow for my own milk. Have chickens for my own eggs.

Bench warming...

But, if you've ever been a bencher, it's tough to be patient.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Ex Mormon #9

What really were the reasons that Joseph and Hyrum were killed?  We know that Joseph had a gun.

This information is not readily sought after by the average Mormon. I came across this YouTube video that does a good job of explaining the reasons why.  It's Siri's voice, so it can be a little tedious, but worth it for the information. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=La15Nn2U8q8

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Ex Mormon #8

It's no secret among ex Mormons who blog about the church's ugly founding that the Church has their people watching them. Many of these same people have been excommunicated or disciplined by the church for their blogs.

There are a couple of blogs that are worth mentioning. The first is MormonThink. The other one is https://runtu.wordpress.com/page/26/ .

Most people come out of the church because they feel something isn't right and it leads them to go searching.

I came out of Mormonism because I had a dream where my child, age 9, came up to me in the dream and expressed to me with an emotional declaration that he would rather die than go back to the LDS church.  That dream got me searching.  But, I left the church before I had read anything just because of the faith I have in dreams.  It just seems so strange to me.  I hope to get over it someday.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Ex Mormon #7









If you want to hear how the church uses some of its' billions of dollars, check out minutes 42 to about 52.  Astonishing!  And disgusting!  Thank you to David Twede and Mormon Think for doing this work to expose the evil.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Ex Mormon #6

The Temple.

Oh, the temple.

What a thing a temple is!

How deceptive it is to imagine that the events in a temple could bring anyone salvation and qualify them for a place in God's Kingdom!  Oh, the thought!  Oh, the thought!

Salvation is in One, Jesus Christ.

Mormonism's temple rituals comes from Masonry.  Joseph Smith didn't even change the handshakes from the one's used in Masonry.  To boot, he implemented the handshakes about 2 weeks after he became a full mason.  From my studies, the former temples in history were used for animal sacrifice.

The Mormon Church has used the teaching of ordinances in the temple erroneously.  It is evil.  Pure evil.  Our ordinances will not save us.  Jesus will.

But, oh, the pain of learning all the lies I once believed.  I feel like my heart could break into a thousand pieces that I didn't know and was believing Mormonism was right.


Monday, January 4, 2016

Ex Mormon #5

I'm recognizing a pattern in myself. I find that the days that I am the saddest are the days that I come to post.

Today, I'm providing you with a link that someone else has gone to the effort to put in one place all of the links to the LDS church's essays on the troubling church issues.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1180178

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Ex Mormon #4

William Law gave an interview a few years before he died. This man was the second counselor to Joseph Smith during the preceding years before Joseph's death in 1844.

Here is that interview, which was published in the Salt Lake Tribune July 31, 1887.


Interview with Wm. Law. March. 30, 1887

Dr. William Law lives with his son, Judge “Tommy” Law. The house is a fine cottage, large, well-kept grounds surround it. We entered a cheerful looking room and there sat William Law, dressed in black, a most venerable looking figure. The head has a striking expression of intelligence, the large clear eyes are of a remarkably deep steel blue; the general impression is that of a thinker, of a benevolent and just man. He greeted me in a fatherly way. I expressed my joy at seeing at last so important a witness of a history, to whose study I had devoted two years.

I sat down near the venerable figure. I hesitated to put any question to him, but he made my task easy by saying: “You speak, in your book, of Joseph Smith having sent Rockwell to kill Governor Boggs. Let me tell you, that Joe Smith, told me the fact himself. The words were substantially like this, “I sent Rockwell to kill Boggs, but he missed him, it was a failure; he wounded him instead of sending him to Hell.”

This beginning gave me some courage and I began the pumping business, in a cautious way, though, that I might not frighten my subject. I had put down in my notebook a score of questions or so. So I glanced over them now and then, stealthily, and ventured this or that question, waiting till the good doctor would get warm in the recollections of the past. This happened soon and then I could ask with more liberty.

“What position had Rockwell in Joseph’s house?”

“Rockwell was the lackey of the house. He used to comb and shave Joseph, blackened his boots and drove his carriage. He would have done anything Joe wanted him to do. I never saw a horse or carriage belonging to Rockwell which you say he got from Joseph for the attempt to kill Boggs.”

The reader will easily understand that I had particular reasons to ask about the Expositor, Wm. Law being the only surviving publisher and editor of that celebrated sheet, born and killed June 7th, 1844. So I began:

“I suppose that you originated the Expositor, Doctor Law?”

“Yes, I originated the idea to publish that paper. I had friends in many parts of the country. They knew that I had become a member of the Mormon religion. I wanted to show them, by publishing the paper, that I had not been in a fraud willingly (here the old man’s eyes filled with tears and his voice trembled). I started the idea, and my brother, Wilson, stood to me like a brother should. I don’t remember whether it was I, or not, who gave the name “Expositor.” But I and my brother, we gave the money, about $2000. I gave the biggest part. The Higbees etc., had scarcely a dollar in it.”

“You were well off at that time. Dr. Law?”

“We had property to the amount of about $30,000, which was a good deal in those days. We had farms in Nauvoo, city lots and our residences. My brother had a fine brick two story building. By starting the Expositor we lost nearly everything.”

“Didn’t you have a store and a mill?”

“Yes, we had a large steam flour and saw mill and a store. It would have been the smart thing to do, to remain quiet, sell our property without noise for what we could get and move away. That would have been smart, but I wasn’t cool and smart then. I wanted to do my duty and nothing else, and didn’t care for the consequences, not a bit. Many friends advised me to be smart and remain quiet, but I would not hear of it and spoke my mind whenever an opportunity offered. When the Smiths saw that we were against them, then they applied to us their usual system, that is, to freeze us out. Secret orders went out that nobody could buy property without the permission of Joseph Smith, Hyrum or the authorities, as they called them, so our property was practically worthless. Yes, my brother Wilson stood to me like a man, fully, fearlessly. He died, here in Shullsburgh, of a stroke of apoplexy, after an illness of three days, ten years ago. He was a very fine and tremendously strong man. He wrestled with Joe in Nauvoo and threw him on his back.”

“How did you become a Mormon, Doctor?”

“John Taylor and Almon W. Babbitt came as missionaries to Canada and preached where I lived, twenty-five miles south of Toronto. I believe that Taylor was sincerethen and I believe he was to a late day. Finally the greed of power and money killed his conscience. There was, now and then, a good man in Mormondom, for instance Wm. Marks. He was a very good man and knew as little of the secret crimes of the leaders as I knew myself.”

“The letters you wrote me, made me suppose that the Smiths tried to kill you when they saw an enemy in you?”

“They tried to get rid of me in different ways. One was by poisoning. I was already out of the church when Hyrum called one day and invited me for the next day to a reconciliation dinner as he called it, to his house. He said Joseph would come, too. He invited me and my wife. He was very urgent about the matter, but I declined the invitation. Now I must tell you that I, in those dangerous days, did not neglect to look out somewhat for the safety of my person and that I kept a detective or two among those who were in the confidence of the Smiths. That very same evening of the day on which Hyrum had been to my house inviting me, my detective told me that they had conceived the plan to poison me at the reconciliation dinner. Their object was a double one. My going to the dinner would have shown to the people that I was reconciled and my death would have freed them of an enemy. You may imagine that I didn’t regret having declined that amiable invitation.”

“Have you had any knowledge of cases of poisoning in Nauvoo, ordered by the authorities?”

“I know that several men, six or seven, died under very suspicious circumstances. Among them were two secretaries of the prophet, Mulholland and Blaskel Thompson. I saw Mulholland die and the symptoms looked very suspicious to me. Dr. Foster, who was a very good physician, believed firmly that those six or seven men had been poisoned, and told me so repeatedly.”

“What may have been the reason for poisoning the secretaries?”

(With a smile) “They knew too much, probably.”

“What do you know about the Dani
tes?”

“Nothing of my personal knowledge. They existed, but their workings were kept very secret. I never belonged to the initiated. Smith tried very hard to get them to kill me. One day my detective told me, that two Danites had gone to Joseph and told him that they wanted to put me out of the way. Joseph said:“Don’t–he (Law) is too influential; his death would bring the country down upon us; wait.” Later when I was thoroughly aware of my danger, they tried in all manners to use me up and had Danites all day and night after me, but I looked out and kept myself safe. Whatever there was of crime in Nauvoo, was kept secret. On the outside everything looked nice and smooth. There were lots of strangers every Sunday as visitors and then the best speakers were put on the stand as samples of the fruits of this fine religion.”

“Did Emma, the elect lady, come to your house and complain about Joseph?”

“No. She never came to my house for that purpose. But I met her sometimes on the street and then she used to complain, especially because of the girls whom Joseph kept in the house, devoting his attention to them. You have overrated her, she was dishonest.”

“Do you mean to say that she was so outside of the influence Joseph had over her?”

“Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Let me tell you a case that will be full proof to you. Soon after my arrive in Nauvoo the two L[awrence] girls came to the holy city, two very young girls, 15 to 17 years of age. They had been converted in Canada, were orphans and worth about $8000 in English gold. Joseph got to be appointed their Guardian, probably with the help of Dr. Bennett. He naturally put the gold in his pocket and had the Girls sealed to him. He asked me to go on his bond as a guardian, as Sidney Rigdon had done. “It is only a formality,” he said. Foolishly enough, and not yet suspecting anything, I put my name on the paper. Emma complained about Joseph’s living with the L[awrence] girls, but not very violently. It is my conviction that she was his full accomplice, that she was not a bit better than he. When I saw how things went I should have taken steps to be released of that bond, but I never thought of it. After Joseph’s death, A. W. Babbitt became guardian of the two girls. He asked Emma for a settlement about the $8000. Emma said she had nothing to do with her husband’s debts. Now Babbitt asked for the books and she gave them to him. Babbitt found that Joseph had counted an expense of about $3000 for board and clothing of the girls. Now Babbitt wanted the $5000 that was to be paid Babbitt, who was a straight, good, honest, sincere man, set about to find out property to pay the $5000 with. He could find none. Two splendid farms near Nauvoo, a big brick house, worth from $3000 to $4000, the hotel kept by Joe, a mass of vacant town lots, all were in Emma’s name, not transferred later, but transferred from the beginning. She always looked out for her part. When I saw how things stood I wrote to Babbitt to take hold of all the property left by me in Nauvoo and of all claims held by me again in people in Nauvoo. And so the debt was paid by me–Emma didn’t pay a cent.”

We had chatted about an hour when Dr. Law said that he felt a little tired. I kept silent for a few minutes. The old gentleman rallied very soon, and began to speak without being questioned.

“I told you that the Smiths tried to poison me. When Joseph saw that I had no great appetite for reconciliation dinners, he tried with the Indians. The plan was, that somebody should use me up who was not openly connected with the church, he was yet afraid of the people because of my influence. Later he would have killed me without any regard. One day about one hundred redskins came to town and twenty or thirty were sent to my house. We tried to get rid of them, but could not and we saw clearly that they had a dark plan for the night. But we had to keep them, gave them blankets and they were all night in our hall. Wilson Law, I and some friends, though, kept good watch all night, with barricaded windows and doors and guns and pistols ready.”

“You have known the parents of the prophet, old Lucy and old Joe, the Abraham of this new dispensation?”

“Oh, yes, I knew them. Old Lucy was in her dotage at that time; she seemed a harmless old woman. Old Joe sold blessings, so much a head, always in the same style–that my sons should be emperors and my daughters mothers of queens, and that everybody should have as many children as there was sands on the shore. Old Joe was an old tramp.”

“How about Dr. Bennett?”

“Bennett was very smart and clever, but a thorough scoundrel. Never could find out the reason of his downfall. Mrs. Pratt was a most excellent, pure woman, but the fact that Bennett visited her sometimes, was used by Joseph to ruin her character. He had his spies everywhere, and if a woman refused him, he sent his fellows out to whisper stories around about her.”

“What do you remember about Emma’s relations to the revelation on celestial marriage?”

“Well, I told you that she used to complain to me about Joseph’s escapades whenever she met me on the street. She spoke repeatedly about that pretended revelation. She said once: “The revelation says I must submit or be destroyed. Well, I guess I have to submit.” On another day she said: “Joe and I have settled our troubles on the basis of equal rights.” * * * Emma was a full accomplice of Joseph’s crimes. She was a large, coarse woman, as deep a woman as there was, always full of schemes and smooth as oil. They were worthy of each other, she was not a particle better than he.”

“You think that Joseph was an infidel?”

“Yes, that he was I have not the slightest doubt. What proofs have I? Well, my general and intimate knowledge of his character. And is it possible that a man who ascribes all kinds of impudent lies to the Lord, could have been anything else but an infidel?”

“Did you ever see the celebrated peepstone?”

“No. I never saw it and I never saw Joseph giving a revelation. But Hyrum told me once that Joseph, in his younger years, used to hunt for hidden treasureswith a peepstone.”

“Was Joseph a habitual drunkard?”

“I don’t believe he was. I only saw him drunk once. I found Joseph and Hyrum at a place where they kept quantities of wine. I remember that Joseph drank heavily, and that I talked to Hyrum begging him to take his brother away, but that was the only time I saw the prophet drunk.”

“Have you ever heard of the old woman that was drowned in the interest of the church?”

“I have heard of a woman being put aside. They said she had been brought over the river and buried on an island near the shore or on the other shore, near the water. But at that time I did not believe a word of rumors of this kind, and did not investigate them.”

“Did you ever hear of abortion being practiced in Nauvoo?”

“Yes. There was some talk about Joseph getting no issue from all the women he had intercourse with. Dr. Foster spoke to me about the fact. But I don’t remember what was told about abortion. If I heard things of the kind, I didn’t believe in them at that time. Joseph was very free in his talk about his women. He told me one day of a certain girl and remarked, that she had given him more pleasure than any girl he had ever enjoyed. I told him it was horrible to talk like this.”

“What do you know about robbery being practiced for the benefit of the church?”

“That sort of business was kept very secret. Hyrum had once a very fine, brand new blue suit, and people told me the suit was the produce of the spoils of the Gentiles. I have no doubt, that Hyrum played an important role in this department of church affairs. I think I can prove it. There was one day a “little council” called in Hyrum’s office, and I was invited to come. Joseph called at my house and took me to the little council. Eight or ten were present, all leaders in the church. Hyrum made a long a
rgument–said he: “The Missourians have robbed, plundered and murdered our people. We should take our revenge on them as thoroughly as possible, and regain what we have lost in Missouri. The simplest way would be if our people would go to Missouri and buy their horses and cattle on credit and then not pay for them; and our merchants would go to St Louis and take their large quantities of goods on credit and then, when the notes became due, simply not pay them; our people always go there and pay for everything. That’s foolish, very foolish, but it is just the thing that, for instance, Brother Law is doing. He has paid thousands of dollars there; but get all these things from them for nothing, horses, cattle and goods, that would help the people wonderfully. Our merchants should transfer all they have–not only their stock in trade, but their lots, houses and farms, too; to their wives and friends in general, so that the creditors could not get a cent out of them.” Some of those present applauded the proposition, and said that would be only fair. I said nothing. Then somebody said: Brother Law has said nothing. I said: This seems to me not only wrong and unjust, but at the same time very ridiculous, because it is not practicable. You cannot buy horses and cattle on credit without having established a credit by long trading; and as to St. Louis, I was always of the opinion that the people there had been very good to the Mormons. So you would ruin your friends to injure your enemies, punish the innocent to hurt the guilty. The St. Louis merchants were surely not the men that persecuted you in Missouri. Hyrum got up, furious. ready to attack me. But Joseph rose and said: “I move that we adjourn this meeting. Brother Law has said his opinion, and that is all you wanted from him. Joseph went home with me and on the way he told me that he shared my views fully, and that I had exactly spoken his mind. He praised me very much for the justice and honesty of my views. ‘I did not talk,’ said he, ‘since you took the very words from my lips.’ I need not tell you, that this was diplomacy on Joseph’s part, but Hyrum hated me from that moment, and never forgave me for what I had said at that little council. But Hyrum hated me for another reason.”

“Was that in the robbery line, too?”

“No. That was from a political reason. It was because I opposed him in the dirty political trade he made with Hoge against Walker. Walker had bought Joseph’s influence by declaring that the city charter of Nauvoo secured the habeas corpus. I stood by them when Joseph promised that he should have nine out of every ten Mormon votes. But Hyrum went to Galena to meet the Democratic convention there, and promised the support of the church to Mr. Hoge for a seat in Congress. Yes, General Hyrum Smith was to sit in Congress next year. Saturday came and I went to Hyrum and had a talk with him. He said he would tell the people to vote for Hoge, and I said I would oppose him on the stand. He made objections but finally had to consent to my speaking on the stand in this matter. When it came to the speaking in public Hyrum did all he could to obstruct me by putting longwinded speakers on the stand, one after the other, so that it was nearly dark when I got on the stand. Now, I showed the people how shamefully they had treated Mr. Walker, and I made such an impression that they began to shout for Mr. Walker. Then, Hyrum jumped on the stand and declared that he had a revelation from the Lord, that the people should vote for Mr. Hoge. This was Saturday. Sunday morning I went to Joseph and told him what Hyrum had done. We went over to the meeting and Joseph told Hyrum what I had said. Hyrum insisted that he had had a revelation. Oh, said Joseph, if this is a revelation, then it is all right, and he went on the stand and said to the people: ‘My office is so high, that I could not think of bothering the Lord with political affairs. But brother Hyrum has had a revelation–when the Lord speaks let the people obey.'”

“Had you ever some dramatic scene with Joseph about the difficulties between you and him?”

“He avoided me. But once I got hold of him in the street and told him in very plain terms what I thought of him. I said: ‘You are a hypocrite and a vulgar scoundrel, you want to destroy me.’ Instead of knocking me down, which he could have done very easily, being so much bigger and stronger than I, he went away hurriedly without uttering a single word.”

“Were you in Nauvoo when the Expositorwas destroyed?”

“No. I was in Carthage. There was a meeting at the court house, many people were present and it was considered what should be done regarding the Mormons. I think Stephen A. Douglas was present at the meeting. My friends urged me to come to Carthage with the press immediately. No conclusion was arrived at, however. The same evening we went home and when we came to Nauvoo we rode over our type, that was scattered in the street, and over our broken office furniture. The work of Joseph’s agents had been very complete; it had been done bv a mob of about 200. The building, a new, pretty brick structure, had been perfectly gutted, not a bit had been left of anything.”

“Had anything been prepared for a second number?”

“Yes, the inside of number two had been set up. Seeing what had been done, I my abode, for safety’s sake, at my brother’s. I left Nauvoo on a large new steam ferry-boat, which transported me, my family and my brother to Burlington, Iowa. While we had people packing our things in my house, we rode, my brother and I, through the city in an open carriage, to show that we were not afraid.”

“Did you ever see Joseph again after you left Nauvoo?”

“Only once. I saw him in Carthage at the trial. We spoke not to each other and he seemed greatly preoccupied. We left Nauvoo on the second day after the passing of the ordinance which put the press under the absolute will of Josephand his creatures. This ordinance gave them power to imprison and fine us at liberty.”

“What opinion have you of Governor Ford?”

“Ford made a good impression upon me; he was surely a good, straight man.”

“What kind of a life did the prophet lead in Nauvoo?”

“Joseph lived in great plenty. He entertained his friends and had a right good time. He was a jolly fellow. I don t think that in his family tea and coffee were used, but they were served to the strangers when he entertained as tavern-keeper. At least, I suppose so. The Smiths had plenty of money. Why, when I came to Nauvoo I paid Hyrum $700 in gold for a barren lot and at that rate they sold any amount of lots after having got the land very cheap, to be sure Their principle was to weaken a man in his purse, and in this way take power and influence from him. Weaken everybody, that was their motto. Joseph’s maxim was, when you have taken all the money a fellow has got, you can do with him whatever you please.”

“What became of Dr. Bennett?”

“The last thing I heard of him was that he went up the river with a large lot of fancy fowls, a speculation of his.”

“What do you know about the revelation on polygamy?”

“The way I heard of it was that Hyrum gave it to me to read. I was never in a High Council where it was read, all stories to the contrary notwithstanding. Hyrum gave it to me in his office, told me to take it home and read it and then be careful with it and bring it back again. I took it home, and read it and showed it to my wife. She and I were just turned upside down by it; we did not know what to do. I said to my wife, that I would take it over to Joseph and ask him about it. I did not believe that he would acknowledge it, and I said so to my wife. But she was not of my opinion. She felt perfectly sure that he would father it. When I came to Joseph and showed him the paper, he said: ‘Yes, that is a genuine revelation.’ I said to the prophet: ‘But in the Book of Doctrine and Covenants there is a revelation just the contrary of this.’ ‘Oh,’ said Joseph, ‘that was given
when the church was in its infancy, then it was all right to feed the people on milk, but now it is necessary to give them strong meat’ We talked a long time about it, finally our discussion became very hot and we gave it up. From that time on the breach between us became more open and more decided every day, after having been prepared for a long time. But the revelation gave the finishing touch to my doubts and showed me clearly that he was a rascal. I took the revelation back to my wife and told her that Joseph had acknowledged it. ‘That is what I fully expected.’ said she. ‘What shall we do?’ said I. She advised me to keep still try to sell my property quietly for what I could get. But I did not follow her advice. My heart was burning. I wanted to tread upon the viper.”

“You returned the revelation to Hyrum?”

“Yes, I did. I was astonished to see in your book that the revelation was such a long document. I remember DISTINCTLY that the original given me by Hyrum was MUCH SHORTER. It covered not more than two or three pages of foolscap. The contents are substantially the same, but there was not that theological introduction. The thing consisted simply in the command of doing it, and that command was restricted to the High Priesthood and to virgins and widows. But as to Joseph, himself, the Lord’s chosen servant, it was restricted to virgins only, to clean vessels, from which to procure apure seed to the Lord.”

“In what manner would Joseph succeed to keep you and others from knowing what was going on behind the curtain?”

“Marks, Yves, I and some others had, for a long time, no idea of the depravity that was going on. This was simply the result of a very smart system adopted by the prophet and his intimate friends like Brigham Young, Kimball and others. They first tried a man to see whether they could make a criminal tool out of him. When they felt that he would not be the stuff to make a criminal of, they kept him outside the inner circle and used him to show him up as an example of their religion, as a good, virtuous, universally respected brother.”

“Was Joseph a coward?”

“Yes, he was a coward and so was Hyrum. You see it already in the fact that when I attacked him on the street with most violent words, he did not dare to answer a word.”

“How did the prophets dress?”

“Joe and Hyrum were always dressed well, generally in blue, sometimes in black. Joseph was a fine man, no doubt of it.”

“How was it with Joseph’s wrestling?”

“The forces of the prophet in this line have been exaggerated. My brother Wilson wrestled once with him and he laid him down on the floor like a baby. Wilson could throw a lead bar much farther than Joe could. But Wilson was an uncommonly fine and strong man, over 6 feet. He could hold a weight of 56 pounds on his little finger and write his name on the wall in big letters. Joseph was flabby; he never worked at anything and that probably made him so. Rockwell did everything about the house.”

“Had you any idea that there was a sort of conspiracy to kill Joseph in jail?”

“No. I had no idea, no idea. I had been ruined by that man; all my property was gone; all my dearest illusions destroyed, and through my connection with him I got a black spot on my life, which will pain me to the very last minute of my existence. But I tell you [The old gentlemen buried his head in his hands and when he removed them, his eyes were wet.] I tell you, no, if I had had any idea of any such scheme, I would have taken steps to stop it. I have always considered the killing of Joseph Smith a wrong action. It is my opinion that he deserved his fate fully, much more than thousands of men who paid the penalty of their crime to Judge Lynch–but I would have preferred that he should have beentried by court and sent to the Penitentiary.”

“Did you practice medicine in Nauvoo, Doctor?”

“Only occasionally. I came to Nauvoo with money. I had had a mill in Canada, already. Joseph said to me: ‘You must not be a doctor here. Buy lands, build mills and keep a store to keep you running. As to practicing and not making anything, let some Gentiles come and do that. You look out for business and profit. I practiced, however, occasionally. Once John Taylor was taken with a very malignant fever. He was treated by his regular physician. I think Dr. Wells was his name. He grew worse and worse. At last I was called in, saw him and prescribed for him. They followed my prescriptions and he got better. This is, I believe, the worst thing I did in Nauvoo or anywhere else!” –[Dr. Law followed this joke with a chuckle, so as to give me to understand that it was a sin to cure so great a rascal]

“What kind of men were the other editors of the Expositor?”

“Dr. Foster was a fine physician and surgeon and a very agreeable, lively, interesting man. The Higbees had been very good friends of Joseph in Missouri and had served his cause there with a kind of boyish enthusiasm. Frank died long ago and Chauncey only lately. He had studied law, was an attorney and sat on the bench for a while. He was quite intelligent. The father of the Higbees had been an excellent man. He died rather suddenly, and from that time there was something between his boys and Joseph.”

“What kind of a physician was Dr. Bennett?”

“He was a physician of the old school. I could not say whether he was very successful as a doctor or not. He was so much occupied for Joseph, that he had no time to attend the sick.”

“Did Joseph pay any salary to this Bismarck of his?”

“I don’t know, but in that honeymoon of favor, which he enjoyed in his first Nauvoo time, Joseph gave him surely all he wanted.”

“Did you ever hear Joseph speak of his money?”

“Oh yes, he used to boast of his riches. He expressed the opinion, that it was all-important that he should be rich. I heard him say myself, ‘it would be better that every man in the church should lose his last cent, than that I should fall and go down.'”

After pumping the dear, good old Doctor for two hours. I relaxed my hold on him and our conversation began to run on in an easier style. He made some interesting remarks, still, indeed he didn’t say anything that wasn’t interesting, every instance bearing the strong impress of his keen intelligence and interesting strong, manly character. Let me quote one more detail. Said Wm. Law: “What saved me from death in 1844 was, 1, my caution; 2, the devotion of my detectives and 3, Joseph himself. He had inculcated into the minds of his followers the rule, that the “heads” of the church must be safe before all. This became a strong superstition in the minds of his people, so strong that they did not dare to touch me. And he himself feared me so much because of my popularity and good standing, that he tried for a long time to put me out of the way in a manner that the church could not be charged with it. At last, however, he became desperate and would have killed me in any manner–but then it was too late in the day.”

What I got out of the venerable Patriarch, William Law, the friends of the study of Mormon History owe entirely to the masterly tact and diplomacy of Judge Law, the son of the good Doctor. Judge Tommy J. Law is an attorney and the publisher of a very successful weekly paper. He is a splendid figure of a man, with a flowing beard, every inch a whole hearted, frank gentleman. He venerates his father and the memory of his mother. “My father,” he says proudly, “was considered the best speaker in the Mississippi valley; many men said he would have beaten Beecher had he followed that career. I heard him myself some thirty years ago, deliver a Fourth of July speech. He kept his audience spellbound, his influence was truly magnetic. Wilson Law was one of the finest and strongest of men, but intellectually he was below my father. He was a few years older and died 70 years old. He had been a farmer for many years. We are five boys, two are lawyers, two doctors, and one is
a merchant. John is a leading physician in Leadville, Colorado. He is 45 years. The merchant, now a man of about 54, R. S. Law, lives in California. William Law junior lives in Chicago and is a very successful law practitioner. W. R. Law, a physician, about 40 years old (the youngest) lives in Darlington, Wisconsin. Our only sister, Mrs. Douglas, is the wife of the president of the Shullsburgh Bank. My mother was a most excellent woman, good to the people in the highest degree, charitable, visiting the sick. Everybody loved her and the whole country turned out when she was buried. My father received a terrible shock through her death. I don’t believe there was ever a happier couple. For many months after her death he used to break down whenever he saw anybody who had known her. We all thought he would follow her soon. But he rallied, though he is yet unable to speak of her without tears. What has been said about Joseph having made an attempt on her is not true. In such a case my father would not have started a paper against him–he would have shot his head off. No man can be more delicate and conscientious about the relations of husband and wife and more apt to be terrible in such a case, than my father. Two years ago he had an attack of pneumonia. My brother came from Leadville and nursed father for two weeks. His life was despaired of but he rallied once more. He said at that time: “Well, my life has anyhow been a failure.” Nobody can cure him of this idea, that Mormonism has ruined his career. A man less sensitive, less retiring would have made capital out of what he knew, lectured all over the country, etc. After leaving Burlington, Iowa, my father came to Wisconsin and lived for many years on a farm. He was the confidential physician of all his neighbors for ten miles around, the most popular physician there ever was. We always want him to give up practicing, but there are so many people who absolutely must have Dr. Law when they are sick.

“Yes, I was once in Utah, I saw Brigham Young but had no talk with him. One of his brothers, a very stout man, who kept a store, told me not to be on the street after dark. ‘There are always some hotheaded young fellows,’ said he, ‘who would think of gaining great merit and reputation if they would injure a man of your kind. It is so very difficult to control them–so you had better keep at home after dark.'”

This is what Judge Law told me about the history of the Law family: “My father was born in Ireland, Tyrone County, his parents were of Scottish descent. They emigrated to America, when William Law was nine years old. He lived with his parents for years in Pennsylvania; he studied in Philadelphia and Pittsburg [sic]. His father was a wealthy farmer. Wm. Law later emigrated to Canada and married there a lady of the Silverthorn family and lived there till he went to Nauvoo. Wilson Law never lived in Canada. William Law was the youngest of five brothers, and he is the only surviving one.”

I have tried hard to verify Judge Law’s opinion about his father by asking lots of people in Shullsburgh and on the train. I heard nothing but “Oh, Dr. Law is a fine old gentleman; the most popular man we have round here.” Mr. Sheaby, who keeps the hotel, in which I spent two days, said: “Dr. Law is a good, fine old man, honest and very kind to the people. I don’t think that this old man has a single enemy, and his wife was loved by everybody, too, she was the soul of kindness.”

The good Doctor had been quite sick for a good many weeks and it was very doubtful, whether he would receive me or not. Judge Law convinced him, that I was a pretty decent fellow and succeeded in getting admission for me, though the Doctor had said, pretty energetically, when he heard of my arrival: “I don’t want to be interviewed.” When I had finished my operations, the Dr. said: “I hope you will do the Laws more justice now”–and he said it with a good, dear look in those wonderfully eloquent, steel-blue eyes.

There is nothing in the aspect of the old gentleman that indicates 78 summers, except the white hands, that tremble a little. I said: “God bless you, Dr. Law,” when I went to the door. I looked round and I couldn’t help it–went back to shake his hand once more. I held out both hands; he put aside his black staff and grasped both my hands, and gave me such a hearty, warm, good shake. I said: “Doctor, be cheerful. You will live twenty years yet like William of Prussia. The Williams are a good race, I belong to it myself.”

There is a strong resemblance between the Law and the Godbe movement and still a stronger one between the great heart of Wm. Law and the deep, unselfish, noble soul of Wm. S. Godbe. The rebellions of 1844 and 1870, both came from great hearts, that had been destroyed by the lies and driven to despair by the cruel egotism of the Mormon leaders. And while speaking of hearts crushed by Mormonism, was there ever a kinder, a purer, a braver one than that beating in the bosom of Mrs. Sarah Pratt? And was this grand woman’s heart not martyrized a thousand times worse, than those of our justly celebrated friends Law and Godbe? Men can resist, oppose, fight and wound and finally win and overthrow–but the wife and mother, what is her prize? The tears of her children on her grave–that is all. Well, may the Lord–not Joe’s Lord–bless those three Great souls and all those excellent friends that helped me to study and understand Mormon History; and may they all see the downfall of one of the greatest infamies in human history. God bless them all and may He bless the great, good, patriotic paper, the joy of the student, the consolation of the philosopher, the hope of the Gentile and Mormon sufferer.

THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE

W.WYL.











Sunday, December 20, 2015

Ex Mormon #3

I have been asked what I do on Sunday's now that I don't go to the LDS Church anymore.

Well, let me tell you some back story first.

When I first was learning of the truth about my lifelong religion, I was spending hours and hours studying.  There was a day where I just wanted a break from it all and read something else. I decided to go to YouTube and find a Christian conversion story. I decided to type in Muslim conversion story and found a few. I was watching some of them when I came upon a man by the name of Walid Shoebat. I was sitting on the couch watching one of his many interviews when my phone's security pulls down a message to me that said, 'Have a safe vacation.'

I was stunned! I had seen my phone say things like downloading updates, or Facebook is safe to open. But, never had I seen anything like, have a safe vacation. 

I sat there for a moment and reflected on the meaning of these words.  Immediately the thought came to me that God knew I was exhausted and burnt out by reading the black beginnings of Mormonism and learning of the complete and total fraud that it is. The other thing that occurred to me is that while God understood my need for a break, He expected me to go back and learn more.

But, lastly, there placed in me a confidence in Walid Shoebat. 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Ex Mormon #2

I left the LDS church before finding out its' true identity.

That is a very important detail.

I left because I had a dream.

I didn't know what I would find out about Mormonism, but with all of the dreams that had already proved prophetic in my life, I wasn't about to ignore the dream I had where my child told me he would rather die than go back to the LDS church.

So, I left the LDS church thinking that I might very well go back. Why?  Because not EVERY dream I've ever had has meant something.  And I wasn't expecting to find what I found.

Praise God that He got through to me.  It still hurts so much, but really, the knowledge didn't come too soon.  As painful as this experience is, I feel so grateful not to be part of an organization that claims to be the one true church when it is not.

Ouch, yes.  

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Ex Mormon #1

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

I have spent enough time and researched enough of LDS Church history now to earn at least a Bachelor's degree. 

Words cannot adequately described the depth of grief and pain I feel at the knowledge I've gained.

Shock and horror are good words, but not good enough.

How, oh, how can any man who has held positions of leadership in the LDS Church live with themselves knowing the fraud? How do they live with themselves? 

Our lives mean nothing to them, it's apparent. 

It's all so horrible. 

I wonder at why I am here on this earth to believe so fully in Mormonism to only learn that it is a complete and total fraud.

Whatever God wants from me, I trust Him that He knows what He's doing even if it is completely troublesome and devastating to me.

But wow, the grief can really get to me.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Ex Mormon

Hello everyone.  Thanks for coming to my blog to learn more about why I have left Mormonism, aka LDS church.

The story begins around the year 1986.  I was 11 years old.  I am the 6th child born to my parents, with 6 siblings younger than me.  My mother had her first 3 kids in about 10 years, then she had 9 kids in the next 10 years.

When I turned 9 things changed in my family.  My mom had just had my littlest sister a year or so earlier, but was suddenly starting a job.  I don't remember all of the details, but what I do remember is that my life changed dramatically.  My mom was gone all of the time.  Now, you must understand, I don't know if she was really gone all of the time from the home, but when she was home, it seemed like she was always asleep.  She worked the graveyard shift up at the VA hospital in Salt Lake.  My dad worked graveyard shifts too, just on the opposite days as my mom.  They both worked all of the time, it seemed, taking over time as much as possible.

That brings me to the year 1986.  One night my mom was getting ready to leave for her shift at midnight.  I watched her get ready because I was sleeping in her bed with my 2 younger sisters, as we often slept there because my parents were at work.

After my mom had left and as I laid my head down to go to sleep, I heard a male voice say, "Sarah, get up and lock the door." (meaning my parents bedroom door) I answered the voice by saying, "I'm too tired."  The voice came again and said, "Sarah, get up and lock the door."  Once again I said, "I'm too tired."  The third time the voice said the same thing, only this time I said nothing and promptly fell asleep.  The next thing I know is that I'm having a dream where someone is touching me in places they shouldn't.  I was kicking and screaming in the dream.  After some length of time, I woke up.  As I woke up, I saw my schizophrenic brother sitting on the edge of the bed watching my parents little black and white TV that sat on a table next to their bed.  I laid there motionless and scared.  At the age of 11, I had the presence of mind to see if what was happening in my dream had been happening in real life.  I had to know if what was happening to me in reality could also be the exact same thing that was in my dream.  I lay there waiting to see if my brother would do anything.  It didn't take long before his hand began to move under the blanket and I waited to see if he would touch me, and when he did touch my leg I then knew that my dream was true.  I immediately moved, pretended to stir and wake up, and then told my brother to go to bed.  I got up and locked the door. I told my mom as soon as she got home from work. She told me that she would tell my dad, and she also said to start locking my bedroom door when I sleep. I found out later that my mom never told my dad, so he claimed. It is entirely possible that she did tell him, but he just didn't think enough of the incident to keep it in his memory. He's that way to this day.

After that life became very hard for me.  My parents were still working as much as they ever did and I felt frustrated with them and their lack of taking care of me and their other children.  I became really upset because I didn't judge that we needed money more than we needed mom to be taking care of her kids.  It was especially painful for me to watch my parents spend money on things that weren't needful.  I felt like they were using me. I was a free, built-in babysitter.

But, the experience I had that fateful night in my 11th year gave me a knowledge that someone, somewhere, knew me, by name, knew what was going to happen in the future to me, and most of all, loved me so much that he wanted to warn me of danger that was coming to me.  Although I was deeply resentful of the hours and seeming obsession with money that my parents had, I knew that God was there for me.  Because I was born into the LDS church, I believed that that was where God was and I began to deeply convert to Mormonism.  My parents intermittently attended church because of their work schedules, with my dad going inactive altogether at our home ward from the time I was 11 until I married at 22.  I took it upon myself to get what siblings I could to church every week.  My parents didn't seem disappointed with my choice to do that. Those years were very dark for me and I would often ask my mom when she was going to quit or retire.  Every time I tried to talk to my parents about my problems with taking on too many of their responsibilities, I was met with the response, "If your problem isn't as bad as Jim's (schizophrenic brother) don't talk to us."  Well, when was my problem ever going to be as bad as Jim's?  I went silent.

You might think that I would start paying close attention to my dreams from the experience I had had in my youth as a way to keep connecting with that Being who had protected me.  But, I didn't.  Too much pain and darkness in my life.  At least, not until several years had gone by and I was very unhappy in my life as a newer mom doing everything the LDS church was telling me I should be doing.  My husband Jared was unhappy with the way his career was going at his father's business and he was bringing that unhappiness home to me.  After several years of seeing Jared so unhappy, I put our Sugarhouse home on the market, sold it, and moved near Logan, Utah in a city called Providence. I hoped Jared would come with me because he wasn't wanting to improve our situation at that time.  He did come.

It was in Providence that I began to dream again and I realized very quickly that God was communicating with me through them again.  It took a lot of prayer and guessing what the dreams meant at first.  I would do the best I could to determine what my dreams were telling me based on what was happening in my real life.  If I was wrong, sure enough I'd have another dream soon that would help me by bringing clarity.

All this time, I was still attending the LDS church, faithfully, attending the temple, sometimes once a week since we were so close to the Logan temple.  I could leave my house and be at the front desk of the temple in 4 minutes.  I lived Mormon standards, attended church faithfully, held callings, paid honest tithes, listened faithfully to General Conference always, read the Book of Mormon almost everyday as a family and alone, and was just a true blue Mormon, as they say.  The only thing I could not do is to say that I KNEW that Joseph Smith was a true prophet who God and Christ came and gave authority to create a church or that any of the current leadership of the church had any authority either.  I believed it was all true, with all of my heart, but I couldn't say that I KNEW.  I couldn't say that I knew the way that I could say that I knew there was a Being in heaven who knew me and loved me and wanted to be there for me in my life.

One night, as I was getting ready for bed, I went to go kneel down by my bed to pray.  As I was praying, a strange force came upon me, as if something or someone was trying to make me not pray.  I have had this experience a handful of times in my life.  What I did in the past was to think it was Satan using some power upon me to get me not to pray and I would then endeavor to force out a prayer that looked like this, "Heavenly Father, thank thee for this day. Thank thee for everything you've given us.  Help our family and keep us safe." And then end the prayer.  Now, remember this was all fighting against a force that was trying to make me stop praying.  I had to fight to get that much out.  Well, this particular night, I decided I wasn't going to fight that feeling and say that ridiculous and meaningless prayer.  So instead I said, "Lord, it's me, Sarah.  I'm here.  Speak.  I'm listening."  The words that came into my mind after I said that were in a man's voice, "We got through!"  I was astonished.  I didn't realize that that was God putting that force on me, trying to get me to be quiet so that he could tell me something.

Well, I wish it was good news that He had to give me.  I was pregnant at the time and the Spirit told me that I was going to lose the baby I was carrying. I was 5 months along.  I said, "Is there anything I can do to change your mind."  God told me that I needed to go tell Jared and he would tell me what I needed to hear.  So, I went downstairs to find Jared and told him what had happened.  Jared was very upset, as was I.  I was weeping on Jared's shoulder and we stood there in our basement together in each other's arms.  After a time, maybe a couple of minutes, I heard the same voice in my head, "I accept what Jared has offered."  I pulled away from Jared, startled that I heard that male voice again, and asked him if he had sent up some thoughts, just barely?  He said, "Actually, yes, I did."  I said, "The Lord just told me that he accepts your offering."  The offering is personal to Jared and I won't say what it is here.

So, the baby was born and we continued living life.

At this time in my life, I'm continuing to have struggles with my parents.  My schizophrenic brother had passed away a few years ago by this time and I was trying to have a relationship with my parents.  It was hard.  I was always feeling unloved and unwanted by them. Jared was also still upset at my insistence that we improve our marriage because he was deeply resentful of our move away from his father's business.  My dad began fighting with me over emails about my stand against how I was not okay with being put second to a career, and I wasn't okay with just accepting that he has the Priesthood and his decisions and beliefs are always the right ones because of it.  In hindsight, I can see how I was 'leaving Mormonism' during these years of trying to serve God first, not a religion, or a husband, or a dad, or a bishop, or anyone else.

I was having several dreams where apostles would come into my dreams but they didn't have any authority like they suppose they do in real life.  I was having dreams where there was an anti-Christ at church or at the temple.  I was having dreams that a bishop was a false prophet.  And I had a dream where an apostle had hurt his wife really bad in their younger years of marriage and instead of going to her, apologizing and changing, then going to Christ for forgiveness and healing from what he did to her, he came into our home and wanted Jared to comfort him. Seemed perfectly fitting as Jared had hurt me really bad in our early years of marriage by choosing a career that he knew I adamantly opposed, and he was having a hard time moving forward.

But it was in mid April of this year, 2015, that it became obvious that God was setting a decision to leave Mormonism altogether in front of me.  One night I had a dream that Vanessa was going to share her gift (she plays the violin in real life) to the entire state of Utah, and it was Dieter Uchtdorf, though he had no authority to tell her this, only that of a brother in Christ, to warm up for the real performance.  He told her that the door wasn't open yet for her to do the real performance, so now she should warm up.  She began to play, and the song she played was Be Still My Soul.  When she finished playing the song in the dream, I looked at her and there were tears streaming down her cheeks.  Here are the words, which are still chilling for me to read even to this day:

  1. 1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
    With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
    Leave to thy God to order and provide;
    In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
    Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
    Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
  2. 2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
    To guide the future as he has the past.
    Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
    All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
    Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
    His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
  3. 3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
    When we shall be forever with the Lord,
    When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
    Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
    Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
    All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
I awoke from the dream and proceeded to tell Jared that a change was coming to us because in verses 1 and 3 it talks about change.  For 2 weeks I told him a change was coming and to prepare himself.  He was really worried as he'd already changed so many things that he didn't ever want to change, like leaving his father's gravestone business.

Then one night, 10 days or so after the violin song dream, I had another dream.  I dreamt that my child, who I'd had the experience that he was going to die when I was pregnant with him, came up to me and told me that he would rather die than go back to the LDS church.  In the dream, we'd been away at a school and our Bishop had called Jared and told him to come back to the church and espouse ourselves to the Church.  It was then that this child of ours starting screaming in the dream and communicated to me that he would rather die than go back.

I awoke from this dream and at first just thought how strange the dream was.  It took me a couple of days before I realized it was the same child who God had told me would die when I was pregnant that was now in this dream telling me this.  The thought would not leave me, 'I would rather die than go back to the LDS church.'

So, I left the LDS church.  Just like that.  I decided that if by my leaving that I would find that the dream was from an evil place then it would be evidenced to me and I would go back to the LDS church.  I told Jared.  You'll have to ask him to tell his feelings about this story.  He had had his own dream about this same time that he was in Denver trading his 1/4 ton pick-up truck that he used to do his father's work in, to a semi truck.  I felt like his dream was going to dove tail into what was going on with me, but I did not see how yet.

But, I began praying and asking God to tell me what was so bad about the LDS church that I had to leave.  I had no idea.  I mean, there was the polygamy thing that always bothered me.  And the way the Priesthood is lived out culturally in my life is horrible.  But, I added study to my prayers.  I studied and studied and studied.  I was reading church history from sources all over the internet, everywhere except from Mormons because God had taken me out of the church, so why would I trust their sources?  I couldn't and I wasn't going to.  I decided that if my studies from non-Mormons proved false to me, then I'd take that information to God knowing he'd guide me through it. *editing to add that I am reading and have read from many people who were former Mormons, like William Law and the Tanners.

One morning I awoke and as I was going about doing my morning chores, I heard myself singing a song.  The song was, "Come Let Us Adore Him." Short version of this part of the story is that there is a book with that title by an LDS man at the time he wrote this book, named Denver Snuffer.  Jared had the dream he was in Denver changing vehicles, so I got online and ordered it.  It came and I read it.  It is a book about the church during Christ's time.  It was shocking to me to read that that church closely resembles the LDS church today.  Christ was very hard on that Church calling the members whited sepulchers inwardly full of dead men's bones, hypocrites, etc. Yikes, I thought. *editing to add that if you look up Denver Snuffer, he's got his own following, and I do not subscribe to what he is doing.

I studied more.

I then came upon a man by the name of William Law.  He was the 2nd Counselor in the First Presidency when Joseph Smith was the Prophet.  There is an interview that was published in the Salt Lake Tribune that he gave in his later life to a man by the name of Dr. Wyl.  After first denying that Joseph Smith was practicing plural marriage, William Law painfully became aware that Joseph was practicing it when Joseph tried to get William's wife for one of his polygamous wives. William's wife, Jane, did not accept Joseph's advances.

Then I learned the several different stories of the first vision.  I learned that the Book of Mormon was written by Joseph, Oliver Cowdrey, and Sydney Rigdon and maybe others.  There's the Kinderhook Plates, the several affidavits of people telling of Joseph Smith's true character, Fanny Alger, Emma trying to poison Joseph, D&C 132 threatening to murder Emma if she didn't accept Joseph's multiple wives (see verses 51-54,) murders, statements and books written by contemporaries of the time trying to expose what Joseph Smith was doing, temple rituals taken from masonry, etc.

But, the real blow came to me when one night I had another dream.  In the dream, I was telling some of my immediate family members that I had left Mormonism.  They were stunned.  But, a woman who I know intimately in my real life walked over to my family members in the dream and took an envelope with a letter in it and put it in my family member's pocket.  This woman then said, "Read this when you are ready."  She then walked back over to me and I said, "What was that?"  She said, "Oh, it's the Ferguson letter."  I said, "Is that letter going to help them understand what is wrong with Mormonism?"  She said, "It's the best one!"

I woke up and immediately got on the computer and typed into the Google search engine: Ferguson Mormon, and this is the link to what I read:  http://www.utlm.org/newsletters/no69.htm

The story of Thomas Stuart Ferguson is that he went on a journey to prove the historicity of the Book of Mormon.  He went to the then prophet, David O. McKay asking for money.  He was given $225,000 in the 1960's, if I'm not mistaken, to aid in his work.  What Thomas Ferguson found out is that there is no evidence of the historicity of the BOM.  It was a huge blow to him and he completely lost his belief in Mormonism.  But, the worst part of this story is that Mr. Ferguson decided to become 2 faced, as they say, 'spoof' back, in his words still go to church, but not bare testimony, not pay tithes, not go to the temple.  Essentially, don't believe it, but pretend he did in order to stay a part of the social network, or fraternity, as he called it.

Now, you must understand that the woman in my dream is living the exact life that Thomas Ferguson lived.  She is known to be an accomplished liar.  She has become an expert at being able to live a double life just like Ferguson did.

I recently wrote my letter of resignation from the LDS church, October 2015.  After all of my studies and the painful awareness that Mormonism is a made up religion, I have been ever since trying to build my life outside of it.  It is a challenge, but rewarding and hopeful.  I am reading the Bible without the lens of a supposed prophet.  Jared, bless his heart, has had a huge struggle.  He has been reading most of the material I have and he is just as devastated.  He has commented several times that he doesn't know how to live a life without Mormonism.  He'll tell his story when he is ready because he hasn't resigned and is trying to understand his experiences from his 2 year mission.  To him God and Mormonism are seemingly inseparable.

I am not a popular woman.  I've only been in 5 wards but there are high school classmates who will hear of my departure.  My family is large, and my siblings have spouses and children and their spouses families will hear of my departure from Mormonism and I want a place for everyone to come to get my story from me, not through secondary sources.  Most of my family is LDS and will have a hard time understanding what has happened to me.  But, I hope this will help them and anyone else who wants to hear my story.

I believe dreams.  I know Jesus is the Christ and He is my Savior.  He was nailed to the cross and with that price, he is able to draw all men to Him.  I love Him.  I adore Him.  I trust Him.  I thank Him for bringing a knowledge to me of the truth about Mormonism.  And lastly, I will let Him guide my future as He has my past.



Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Baby #6

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow with baby number six, which is a girl. I am getting so excited for her arrival and so are the others. We are having a hired midwife assist me in the birth here at home. Jared is nervous about that and likes the idea of the hospital. I am looking forward to the privacy and comfort of being in our own home.

In other news, we have a private violin teacher hired for Vanessa, one hour a week. We are homeschooling again. And we spend loads of time together as a family, working and playing and studying the scriptures. Life is challenging, but good. Jared still works for the cereal company here in Tremonton, Utah.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Goodness

I am expecting our 6th baby.  I have been so very sick, even the sickest I've been.  Jared and I had to tell the kids we are having another baby earlier than we wished because I was needing so much extra help with cooking, chores, 4-year old Bruce's needs, and cleaning.  I am still the 2nd counselor in the Primary Presidency in our ward and so I had to tell the ladies I work with the news as well.  It seems almost as soon as the news has gotten out into the neighborhood, generous people have brought in meals.  Our neighbor Jennie Hyer offered to buy us pizza and she brought French bread to go with it.  One of the teachers in our primary, Joan Argyle brought over a yummy homemade tomato soup with crackers and amazing mint brownies.  And then the primary president, Carol Merrell brought over clam chowder and homemade bread.  With 7 hungry people to feed every day, this has been a blessing from above.

Also, Jared has had had challenging times with his job but we feel the Lord is here with us as well.  MOM brands is down-sizing a bit and many people in the company are quitting to find other employment.  Jared is not one of them.

The kids are doing well.  They are all growing and we are home schooling every day. 

Our relationships with my side of the family seem to be moving in the right direction.  My Dad wrote me an email and invited our family to their family Christmas party this year.  This is the first time he and my mom have ever invited us to their home for any celebration.  I hope this trend continues.  In the past one of us children would plan the party, but I stopped going to those several years ago because I have always felt that it is my parents responsibility to get the entire family together for occasions

Jared's family has been trying to mend with us for some time and we have had relations with them for a little over a year now.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Jobs Asthma And Things

Jared's job is in question.  We are looking for other jobs for him.  MOM Brands is going through a time where they need to down size.

Joseph and Rex's football season ended for the year.  They both loved it.

Vanessa is busy in school and working to increase her abilities with the violin.

Eric had a major asthma attack last week.  He is allergic to Jared's parent's dog and we will never be able to step foor in their home again.  His lungs swelled up and he could hardly breathe all night long.  We almost had to go to the ER.

Bruce is busy and makes a lot of messes.

We found a new home for Baxter, the dog.  We were sad, but he needed to go.  We think Eric might be allergic to Baxter too, so we are hoping that he'll be able to start breathing normally again.




Thursday, September 12, 2013

Family

What a fun weekend we had!  Paul and Ashley and Wayne and Amy's family came to our house.  Joseph and Rex both had football games and that was what drew the crowd.  We watched the games and then came back home for Jared's yummy smoked brisket, funeral potatoes, and salad.  We had pumpkin cookies for dessert.  Wayne and Amy stayed overnight.  We had such a good time getting to know their family.  Our dog, Baxter, had fun getting to know Wayne's family  They came to Sacrament meeting with us on Sunday, we had leftover brisket dinner, and not long after, they left.

And guess what?  No one got any pictures.  Sounds about right for me.  My kids have broken so many of our cameras that I have a hard time even remembering to bring a camera out. 

We celebrated Bruce's 4 year old birthday on Monday.  We got him a really nice tractor.  He loves it.  Jared's parents came over last night because they wanted to give Bruce a present too.  They got him a neat scooter which he is trying to learn how to ride.  He knows how to ride regular scooters, but this one is a little different and he has had to learn how to ride it.

Today we are putting in shelves in our mudroom and doing schoolwork. 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Things...

It has been a busy week.  Yesterday we spent most of the day watching Rex and Joseph play their football games.  Both of their teams lost.  Rex hardly played because his team is so large and the coaches already have their favorite kids to play.   Joseph's coaches are upset with his performance during practice that they took him off of the defense and only had him play offense yesterday.  Jared was pretty upset by this.  Joseph has started saying that he wants a break from football and doesn't want to play next year.  Football is a huge time commitment and I wouldn't mind the break myself.

Our first week of home school has been fruitful.  The kids are happy and so am I.  I have been studying more of H. Verlan Andersen's writings and feeling more and more happy that we are doing what we are doing with the kids' educations. 

We love the neighborhood we live in.  We love our neighbors.  We love our Ward.