Roles And Knowing Who You Are

It is 10:00am on Saturday morning and the older kids are still asleep. I remember when I was a child my parents didn't pay attention to when I went to bed, or when I got out of bed the next morning. My parents had 12 children and I am number 6. My mother went to work full time as a nurse when I was around 8 years old. When she did that my life changed dramatically. It wasn't long after that that my father separated from my mother. He moved out into an apartment about a mile away from our house. I went there only 1 time that I remember. I remember the night that my parents sat us kids down and told us about their separation or pending divorce, I can't remember which. I don't remember anything they said, only that my father wasn't going to be living with us anymore. I remember feeling really yucky inside. It was the second time in my life that I remember hurting really bad inside my heart. The first time was when I was 4 years old and I was punished for something I didn't do to my sibling. I was very angry that I wasn't allowed to tell my side of the story and that I was innocent of the charges for which I was accused and now paying the penalty for. But back to when my mother went to work full time and my father moved back in our house without telling us why or what was going on between them. I was glad my father was back, but still had the dark, unsettled feeling in my stomach that there was demise in our home. It was during this time in my life that I needed a lot of instruction and correction, as all 8-16 year olds need. The affect this had on me was that I grew extremely insecure about my role in our family and about my ability to be successful at school. I knew how to get good grades, but I was confused about what to become in life. When my parents decided to send my mother to work full time, grave shifts no less, they must have neglected to define how my mothers new role as a provider was going to affect her mothering. She nearly fell off the face of the earth as to mothering. It was like a death to me. My mother died in my life. So as my children are still asleep on Saturday morning, and I know they went to bed before 11:00pm last night, I am going to go downstairs and awake them from their slumber. I know my role as their mother. And after much struggle, I know my role as my Father in Heaven's daughter.