To say that I was a needy child would probably be putting it lightly. I needed a lot of attention and instruction. Sadly though, I was child number 6 of 12 to my parents and as a result, got very little instruction and interaction with my parents.
Why do I bring this up? And how does this relate to my recovery from co-dependency?
Well, all children are self centered. It is a tremendous work to teach a child to forget themselves and care for others.
When I over-achieved in taking care of my other siblings and caring to the household duties that were my moms responsibilities, I did it to get something back from my mom for myself. So, on the outside I looked like this loving, caring, and selfless person, when really I did it all to get something back.
Referring to Elder Hales talk again:
Quote: 'There are three important elements that will allow us to make good decisions:
...And third, we need to examine our motives each time we make a decision.' Unquote
The motives behind my decision to give so much to my needy parents was so that I would get what I needed from them. I worked, I slaved, I gave up my own interests, I felt sorry for them, etc. It was all about me.
This made me a very angry and needy person myself. I became a person obsessed that my parents 'get better.' While I was taking such good care of my parents (at least I had convinced myself I was such a good caretaker of them,) I was failing miserably at taking care of myself.
So, who was going to take care of Sarah and her problems, duties, and work? I couldn't do it myself. I was way too absorbed and consumed in all of my parents needs and problems.
Well, this is the huge discovery. It is also the challenge I have ahead of me. I am in the habit of worrying about my parents' needs and problems, not mine.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Recovery from Co-dependence
Seven years ago I was watching a BYU Continuing Education program on channel 21. The message was about co-dependent relationships. I remember thinking that that sounded like a problem I had in my life. But, life was really busy back then and I soon forgot about that program.
Then last week that program came back into my head. The only thing that I remember from the program is the word co-dependent. So, I went to lds.org a couple of days ago and typed in the word co-dependent. A talk given by Robert D. Hales came up along with 4 other links to go to that referred to addiction recovery.
Here is a quote from the talk: 'About three to four years ago, Joe was an alcoholic. Linda, while she did not drink, was co-dependent emotionally on the behavior of an alcoholic husband. She was nearing a nervous breakdown. She had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. So she left home, taking the children, except for a fourteen-year-old son.'
I have searched for the meaning of co-dependent and in part found this:
"An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individuals's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."
This is the home I grew up in. I was not allowed to discuss my problems and challenges. For whatever reasons, the affect that had on me was not good. I became obsessed with trying to fix my parents problems and tried to make them be happy because I was fixing their problems. I did this so that they then would be available to me.
Continuing on with what co-dependence is, I found this: A fairly common demoninator of co-dependence is having a relationship with troubled, needy, or dependent people. And a more common denominator is having unwritten, silent rules in a family that: 1. prohibits discussion about problems, 2. prohibits open expression of feelings, 3. prohibits direct, honest communication 4. prohibits realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect 5. allows selfishness 6. prohibits trust in other people or one's self 7. prohibits playing and having fun.
I have come to realize how co-dependent I am. I am much like the women Elder Hales referred to. As a child I became obsessed with controlling my parents behavior. I spent all my energy worrying about their recovering from their problems. I over-achieved in taking care of their other children, I spent my time making sure the house was quiet so they could sleep (they were employed graveyard shifts,) I didn't ask ANYTHING from them. I did all of this hoping their behavior would change and they would release me from the unspoken, oppressive rule they had on me - the rule that I couldn't express my feelings and discuss my problems.
Because I recognize how co-dependence has been hurting me in my life, I'm going to be spending the next little while discussing it on my blog. I'm doing with the hopes too that it might help someone else. Like the women in Elder Hales talk who said she was nearing a nervous breakdown because of her husbands behavior, she had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. Although the people in my life are not alcoholics, I have been trying to control their behavior nonetheless. It is my goal to recover from it!
Then last week that program came back into my head. The only thing that I remember from the program is the word co-dependent. So, I went to lds.org a couple of days ago and typed in the word co-dependent. A talk given by Robert D. Hales came up along with 4 other links to go to that referred to addiction recovery.
Here is a quote from the talk: 'About three to four years ago, Joe was an alcoholic. Linda, while she did not drink, was co-dependent emotionally on the behavior of an alcoholic husband. She was nearing a nervous breakdown. She had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. So she left home, taking the children, except for a fourteen-year-old son.'
I have searched for the meaning of co-dependent and in part found this:
"An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individuals's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."
This is the home I grew up in. I was not allowed to discuss my problems and challenges. For whatever reasons, the affect that had on me was not good. I became obsessed with trying to fix my parents problems and tried to make them be happy because I was fixing their problems. I did this so that they then would be available to me.
Continuing on with what co-dependence is, I found this: A fairly common demoninator of co-dependence is having a relationship with troubled, needy, or dependent people. And a more common denominator is having unwritten, silent rules in a family that: 1. prohibits discussion about problems, 2. prohibits open expression of feelings, 3. prohibits direct, honest communication 4. prohibits realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect 5. allows selfishness 6. prohibits trust in other people or one's self 7. prohibits playing and having fun.
I have come to realize how co-dependent I am. I am much like the women Elder Hales referred to. As a child I became obsessed with controlling my parents behavior. I spent all my energy worrying about their recovering from their problems. I over-achieved in taking care of their other children, I spent my time making sure the house was quiet so they could sleep (they were employed graveyard shifts,) I didn't ask ANYTHING from them. I did all of this hoping their behavior would change and they would release me from the unspoken, oppressive rule they had on me - the rule that I couldn't express my feelings and discuss my problems.
Because I recognize how co-dependence has been hurting me in my life, I'm going to be spending the next little while discussing it on my blog. I'm doing with the hopes too that it might help someone else. Like the women in Elder Hales talk who said she was nearing a nervous breakdown because of her husbands behavior, she had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. Although the people in my life are not alcoholics, I have been trying to control their behavior nonetheless. It is my goal to recover from it!
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