Freedom

Freedom is a most precious gift. We must not forget who our freedom comes from: God. It is to Him we owe our adoration and allegiance.

Unity

'There has been a call for national unity in our land. I believe there needs to be unity. But it must not be a blind, senseless, irresponsible unity. It should not be a unity for the sake of unity. It needs to be a unity based on sound principles.'

This can be said of relationships as well.

Thank you Ezra Taft Benson...I couldn't agree more.

This talk is a must listen to.

A beautiful new blog I stumbled upon...

I stumbled on this blog that I just am loving. To give you a taste of the beauty of this blog, I borrowed this poem:

"Hate"

I used to hate to sweep the floors and mop and scrub and dust.
I used to hate to wash and iron and wonder why I must;
The dishes too, that awful task, that came three times a day.
I sometimes thought I'd call a strike, or maybe run away.

A gray-haired neighbor came one day, when I was all upset
With churning, baking, washing, and dinner yet to get.
I told her how I hated it, my life was but a grind;
She smiled and said perhaps my trials were mostly in my mind.

I doubted her, and yet her hair was white as driven snow.
She'd lived a heap more years than I, and surely ought to know.
"These tasks are not so hard," she said, "I've done them all my life."
It's just because you hate, my dear, that causes all the strife."

I thought perchance she might be right, and so I tried her scheme
And brought about such changes it seems just like a dream;
I ceased to hate and lo, behold! my home became a shrine of love.
And all the hated humble tasks seemed like blessings from above.

~Agnes Just Reid

Friends are hard to come by...

I am starting to get a taste of being the mother to older children. SCARY! I have worked so hard to help my children know who they are. I can't think of any greater fight against the temptations of the devil than this. When they come home from school and open up to me about how their day was, I can immediately see how Satan has been working on them. For example, Vanessa came home talking about a girl who is bullying her. The next conversation out of her was about how she doesn't like the color of her hair. What? Why these two topics together? So, I began to prod into what Vanessa's feelings were. I asked, 'Do you have any good friends at school Vanessa?' 'No, not really.' 'Do you think if you change the color of your hair that people will like you more?' I said. 'I don't know. Maybe.' She says.

So, I see my work in front of me. Just like that. 'Vanessa, what will you have to change next to make sure they like you?' She said, 'I get it Mom.' I said 'Keep looking for someone who you won't have to change who you are in order to be their friend.'

Vanessa has yet to find a good friend that is like her. She feels very alone. So far the girls she has found are the type of girls who find their self worth in worldliness.

Let this be a lesson to us all. Teach our children to find self worth in knowing they are a child of God and they have a special work to do here on this earth. Turn away from worldliness, and turn toward holiness.

Sidenote: After researching why my epidural shot didn't seem to have worked after that first couple of days I found out that the relief I was getting was from the lidocaine they used to numb the area for the actual procedure of getting the shot. The medicine inserted can take 10 days to 2 weeks to kick in.

How does it feel?

Cute picture of Ness.

Oh my gosh! I cannot believe how good my back feels. The shot had amazing results! I'm still afraid to bend over and pick things up, but in time I'm sure I'll get used to the idea. It's been too long I tell ya. What a blessing modern medicine is.. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Epidural

I got an epidural steroid shot in my back yesterday. The doctor did an amazing job. I was so impressed. I was in and out of the hospital in 30 minutes.

When I fell in the parking lot right after I gave birth to Rex in Jan 2006, I have struggled with back and hip/buttock pain ever since.

This experience of being in so much pain that I can't heal from has brought on spiritual maturity. Since I am physically immovable now, I have paid particular attention to the general Relief Society Presidents spiritual messages of being steadfast and immovable. I am grounding myself in the knowledge that God loves me, that it is my work to keep His commandments with zeal, and exercising faith in Jesus Christ as my Master.

On one particular day a few years back, I was quite down and was expressing my blue feelings to someone who I thought would give me comfort. Instead she said to me, 'Oh Sarah, just stop thinking about it (your hurt feelings) and go shopping.' Another time I was expressing my sorrow again to another person who I thought would lend me comfort only to be told, 'Sarah, you think too much. You just need to read a book. Have you read...?' What kind of a comfort is that? I hope when others come to me seeking comfort I don't say something so uncomforting as that! We have the Savior of the world to give us comfort. I hope I point others to Him and his healing words when I hear they need comfort.

I remember thinking to myself, 'What will shopping do to help me feel better? Or reading a book? It is only like alcohol, a drug of choice, for it heals nothing to shop or read to distract. It doesn't comfort or heal. It doesn't even give me hope that it will.' It is only through Jesus Christs power to heal that each of us will be healed.

Homeschool, football and a fractured toe..

The last 2 months Eric and Joseph have been in football. They have been having a blast and so have we. I love the lessons they are learning being part of a team.

Last Friday night Joseph pushed a chair over onto the top of his foot. After trying to play in his football game the next morning, he came out of the game in too much pain. We got him into the doctor and the x-ray showed a fracture in his first metatarsel on his right big toe. He has been in a lot of pain. Thankfully, 2 weeks of rest will heal it up just fine.

Also, I decided to put the kids back into public school. I hate it. The boys go all day, but Vanessa goes to Middle School and goes to 4 classes: Math, Orchestra, Reading, and English. I like her schedule a lot better because she comes home every day at 11:30am. The boys go all day and get home at 3:40ish. It's just too long.

The thing I hate the most about public school is the loss of control of what the kids learn. For example, the public system teaches about the founding of our country in a different light than I agree with. So, I have to keep in my kids faces and find out exactly what they are being told so I can correct it.

Since Vanessa gets out early in the day, I get to mold her education more. We spend our time planning meals, cooking, cleaning, going on errands, and just be together. It also gives Vanessa extra time for practicing her violin. I can't wait until next year when Eric starts middle school and I can put him into the classes I want and have him home earlier in the day too.

On a fun note, Jared and I are going to the Utah State University Aggie football game tonight. A few of his friends from Malt O-Meal invited us to go with them and their wives. I am really looking forward to it.

Holy Spirit of Promise according to Elder Scott

I have, at times, thought about eternal marriage and the sealing in the temple. We learn that if we are righteous, clean, and believers in Jesus Christ, our marriages will be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. I had never heard it explained the way Elder Scott says. I learned something new today.

Here is what Elder Richard G. Scott says about being sealed to his wife:

On his eternal marriage to Jeanene, Elder Scott says:

[My marriage has] touched every important element of my life—wanting to be a better person, wanting to live more righteously and do things that were more elevating and worthwhile. I don’t believe that the temple ordinance guarantees that we’ll be together forever. There will be a time before that sealing of the Holy Spirit of Promise that makes it eternal where we’ll be in the presence of the Savior, as individuals, and there will be a choice whether we continue with the sealing or not. And I want to do everything in my power to qualify so that she’ll choose for that sealing to be eternal.

Accusing feelings come from the Holy Ghost

Sheesh, I'm learning my share of lessons lately. I've been silenced in my extended family, and this is my way to maybe reach out for others to hear my side of the story. If you are in the sort of spirit that only wants to know one side of a story, I suggest you stop reading now.

Family relationships can be so difficult.

When a family dynamic is set up and you fall into your place, you don't have much say on where that place actually is.

In my case, my place has been as a second class citizen. The perceived more important people in the family control the atmosphere and I have to bow to their ways.

Recently, it was made apparent to me that in order for me to be a part of my extended family I have to be bullied into silence. My place is to come to the family occasions and be silent. Or more accurately, I've been told I can come to their occasions if I only give praises.

Now, I don't know how you feel, but sometimes I have to bring up problems. When a child needs to be reprimanded, I have to say something. I don't care if it is the perceived most important persons child who needs the reprimanding.

I'm being accused that this is not being forgiving, but seeks vengeance. What do you think? I just simply cannot move forward in those relationships where the other person is going to make excuse after excuse for their bad behavior and then expects me to agree with their excuses. Well, I don't agree. I believe you say sorry when you've done something wrong. All this contention in my extended family is to allow people to not have to say sorry to each other.

It is amazing to me to see a few of the other perceived less important extended family members ignore me seemingly for fear of the treatment they will get by the perceived most important family members. If you feel that way, that should be witness enough to you the control the perceived most important person has over you. What will they do to you if you reach out to me? Never invite you again to their stuff if you come seeking my side of the story? That's some pretty scary stuff. You are allowing them to judge for you what is going on.

Since I have come to know God, I realize that none of us is more important than others. Each and every one of us is important to God and He treats each of us as an individual with feelings and desires.

Another lesson I've learned is that if you have sinned, the Holy Ghost will come after you all the day long bringing your sin to your remembrance. You can run away from Him. And eventually He will stop coming for you until you soften. Those feelings will feel accusatory. You may mistake those feelings you have as being from the person you sinned against.

Who I've hurt.. Lessons learned

It's a hard lesson to face, but one I've faced lately.

**LESSON**

There are some family members who have ought against me, but they haven't brought their grievances to me. In fact, I only heard about their hurt feelings through other family members.

Well, I can't say I'm blameless at doing this too. In the past, I most certainly have told others' my hurt feelings instead of the person who I had the problem with in the first place. I regret doing that. It really wasn't fair to that person.

Lesson learned. From now on I will go straight to the person who I have ought against.

**LESSON**

Learn Self-Defense...No way!

One more thing. What need would we have of a Savior to plead our case before Heavenly Father if we are so busy defending ourselves? ('I'm just doing the best I can') Don't defend yourself like that when you've done something wrong. Admit your part of the wrong-doing, commit to do better, and ask forgiveness.

It is in this way that the Savior can claim us and plead our case at judgement day. There is no justification in self-defense when repentance through Jesus Christ is the answer. It is Jesus Christ who then makes you clean and new again.

Forgiveness

I have found a certain amount of peace lately that I'd like to share.

When you hurt someone, whether unintentionally or intentionally, the Holy Ghost begins pricking your conscience. Why does the Holy Ghost do that?

How do you respond to the Holy Ghost telling you that what you did was wrong? Do you get angry? Do you blame the other person for MAKING you do what you did? Do you say, 'well it wasn't THAT bad.'

Or do you admit what you did was wrong and then go back and fix the problem?

This is what I meant that I am so bothered when people say, 'I was only doing the best I can.' That is so wrong to say that when you really need to repent.

Not too long ago I was quite careless in one of my choices and it had awful consequences. I took my family of 3 little ones over to visit a sibling of mine on the day they brought their brand newborn baby home from the hospital. We stayed at their house for 2 and 1/2 hours, unintentionally. (My sibling went back into the back bedroom for the 2 and 1/2 hours and I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye) Well, if you've had a baby, you know what it can be like those first days with a new little one. And that's where I should have been sensitive, but I wasn't-- especially since I've had 3 of my own) My family member was furious at our being there for so long, and she let us know it-- in a not-so-gentle way (and who would be gentle under those circumstances?) My sibling had even warned me beforehand how she is especially fragile after having a baby. Well, our relationship has never been the same after that. We apologized to my sibling over and over again. But my sibling won't forgive us. And now there is complete estrangement from my sibling because of it.

Even though my sibling chooses not to forgive me, I have had to forgive myself for what I did to her, and seek God's forgiveness of me too. I am so sorry and regretful. I've also found that I now have to forgive my sibling for not forgiving me.

Baptism and Americans

Josephs baptism was wonderful. At church on Sunday he was presented to the ward as the newest member. He was adorable up there on the stage.

After Sacrament meeting a lady came up to me and told me this story about Joseph:

She was sitting in on Joseph's primary class a couple of weeks ago. The lesson was on how the good Samaritan was kind. The teacher said to the children that anytime they do something kind, they are a good Samaritan. Joseph was sitting there listening intently to the lesson and sits up in his chair to say, "We're not Samaritans, we're Americans."

That is Joseph for you. We love him to pieces.

Bruce

Who can resist this little guy? Little Bruce is taking his first steps already and saying his first words.

Bear Lake

We went to Bear Lake a couple of weeks ago. Jared's boss, Nate, invited us to go to his parents house there at Bear Lake afterwards for hot dogs and chips dinner. It was so much fun. Thanks Nate and Angie!

Baptism

Joseph Cooper Bott is getting baptized by his dad tomorrow. He is our third child to take this important step. Wow!

As the feelings of excitement enter my heart, I can't help but feel the awe at the Lord's love and mercy towards the children of men. Baptism is the gate by which we enter into that leads to the straight and narrow path that leads back to our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is by going down into the water and coming up a new person, through the Lord Jesus Christ. What a great way to go through this life, as a new person in Jesus Christ. As we put off the old person, and place our trust in Jesus, we become holy. Just beautiful!

So many of our extended family relationships are in the dumps, and I feel the emptiness that they won't be sharing in this occasion with us. But, we move onward. I choose not to focus on my sorrow on our special day with our Joseph.

We love you Joseph. And we look forward to your future with excitement and love. The Lord loves you and may the gift of His Son's atonement bring you down into the depths of gratitude and humility all throughout your life, is my prayer.

'She's just doing the best she can.'

'She's just doing the best she can.'

Have you ever been hurt by someone, and the only way you could forgive that person is to tell yourself a line similar to this one?

Have you ever been hurt by someone, and others know about the offense, and they come to tell you that line?

That line really bothers me.

I have tried to use that line as a way to forgive someone who has hurt me.

I want to tell you my experience with it. First, how can I know if someone else is truly doing the best they can? I can't. Second, when I have offended someone else, I don't think to myself, 'I was just doing the best I could.' That doesn't excuse what I did to that other person, nor will it give good feelings to the person who I hurt. Third, just because I try to believe that that other person is doing the best they can, doesn't translate into good feelings being restored between us regarding the offense. I can pretend it does. But, I am only lying to myself. Good feelings will be able to be restored by 'confessing and forsaking' the offense.

This seems so simple. And yet, why do years go by that good feelings go unrestored? Another rhetorical question again, I know. And one that I also know the answers to again.

May we all learn to say, 'I'm sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. I want to be friends.'

And then sincerely work to be respectful of others' feelings and wishes.

Forgiveness, for me, doesn't come by using this line. Forgiveness comes by feeling the love of God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. It comes by knowing how much they love me and that other person. It is a gift given to me, by Him. Jesus Christ has suffered so much for us in His Infinite Atonement. And that gift and knowledge instills in me a forgiving heart.

Some thoughts

The last little while I have considered the fight against evil. While I work to walk away from worldliness, coveting, envy, anger, grudges, caring about what others think of me more than what God thinks of me, etc. I find myself quite alone. The voices all around me try to persuade me to reject Christ. Can you imagine? Reject Christ?

Why would someone do that? Of course that is a rhetorical question and I know the answer to it. I mean, come on, I remember life before my 'rebirth' or should I say 'rebirths' and continuing 'rebirths.'

The Book of Mormon is true.

Christ will come again. He lives.

God is good.

Good kids...

Yesterday at the Chiropractor's office, I had to leave the kids alone in the waiting area while I went back to be adjusted. After I came out, I walked to the receptionists desk to make my next appointment, and the lady says to me, "I just have to say, you have the most well-behaved kids. I am impressed. They have been wonderful." They were in the waiting area for 20 minutes.

Since I started homeschooling, it has been one of my biggest challenges and goals to teach my kids about who they are and why they are here on this earth. I tell them frequently how much their Heavenly Father loves them. I try to use as little 'discipline/punishments' as possible because I know they are good kids and they want to obey me. Instead I correct them a lot. And they are kind to me while I'm doing it. I apologize to them as well when I have been too harsh in my corrections.

It has been quite the journey to figure out how to be the mother I want to be. It is such a sacred responsibility.

Trusting again.

Over the last little while, I have found myself in the perplexing place of not knowing how I was going to trust again. Do I take the risk again of becoming vulnerable to being hurt again? Eeek!

And yet, I know that part of the process of healing is learning to trust again: in myself and in those who have hurt me. And what do I do when trust is broken again, as I'm sure it will be--none of us is perfect.

Something inside me tells me that growing into being able to believe in myself again and trust in consistently living true principles will help me attain God's forgiveness for me. I have done much that I am not proud of, not to mention that lost belief in myself and God that I would conquer my adversities.

As I continue to take that leap of faith in trusting again, what had seemed like an impossibility is becoming believable and do-able.

I feel the peace and strength coming from Father in Heaven that He is there showing me how to trust again and believe in myself again.

Can I trust again?...

Trusting the process. I typed those words into the www.lds.org search engine and you'll never guess what came up? Yep. Addiction recovery. I am now totally convinced I am a recovering co-dependent.


Addiction recovery from www.lds.org
'Step 3 is the decision step. In the first two steps, we
awakened to what we could not do for ourselves
and what we needed God to do for us. Then in step 3
we were introduced to the only thing we could do for
God. We could make a decision to open ourselves to
Him and surrender our entire lives—past, present, and
future—and our will about our lives to Him. Step 3 was
an act of agency. It was the most important choice we
ever made.'

'When we took this step, we felt terrified of the
unknown..What would happen if we humbled ourselves
and surrendered our lives and wills completely to the
care of God? For many of us, childhood (and painful familial
relationships)had been very hard, and we were terrified
of becoming as vulnerable as little children again.'

'Eventually each of us realized that we not only had to
give up our addictions, but we also had to turn our
entire will and life over to God. As we did so, we
found Him patient and accepting of our faltering
efforts to surrender to Him in all things.'

'You can accept with serenity the current reality of
your condition when you trust in God’s ability to help
you. You can accept with serenity that although you
cannot control the choices and actions of others, you
can decide how you will act in each situation you face.'


This is where I am at. I do trust Him. And I find myself in His loving care.

Conversation with Joseph

Today I feel so grateful for the opportunity to show my repentance to God and the world. I choose not to dwell on others problems and embrace the right we each have been given by God to work out our own problems. I choose not to spend time or energy trying to solve others' problems for them.

Instead, I find myself cleaning my kitchen, advising my children in the way of truth and light, and executing tonight's family meal.

Conversation #1 * * *

Sarah says: "Joseph, it is time to get to our studies."

Joseph replies in anger: "Mom, I am so sick of you always telling me what to do!"

Sarah replies with authority: "Joseph, God told us in the scriptures to honor our parents. When you are a dad you will tell your children what to do. That is the way God made it, not me."

Joseph pretends not to hear me and says: "It's like I am your slave."

Vanessa intervenes after being on the scene: "Joseph, it's true, God said it in the Bible. Mom is in charge. God made it that way."

Joseph gets even angrier, says a few more choice words, and goes to his room and slams the door behind him. I let him without saying anything more. Five minutes goes by. The door opens and Joseph appears with a solemn look in his eyes to say, "Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'll do what you say."

I then say, "I love you Joseph. You are such a good boy."

Joseph worked it out on his own. Joseph is 7 years old, and turns 8 this July 31st.

Routine is key

The healing from co-dependency is continuing and progressive.

I am recognizing more each day how much wasted energy I put into thinking about other peoples' problems. I recognize I can do nothing to change their circumstances. I recognize I can change my own life. I am accepting this with gratefulness.

I am getting better and better everyday at getting to my routine. It takes so much energy to break from the old habit of waking up and instantly worrying about others' problems. Something that most likely comes with great ease to 'normal' people is incredibly difficult for me.

This process is called 'detachment.' The definition given by Al-Anon is: Detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, and that we cannot solve their problems, and that worrying doesn't help.

We've had a lot going on.

We cleaned out the food pantry in the kitchen. Actually, Jared and the kids did it! They did an amazing job!

Rex fell into the couch and ripped open his inner lip and had to have 11 stitches. Ouch!

Vanessa had her Dance Review. She did great!

Bruce has started crawling. He is everywhere! Such a doll!

And Jared helped the boys make their Pinewood Derbies. They had a blast! More pics to come with that!

Who is your Counselor?

With all of the voices in this world that tell us this and that should fix our hurts, problems, and challenges, which ones lure you in and deceive you?

Recently, I have been pondering at what lures me in. Cookies have done it too many times. It goes like this...

As I've said before, I wake up angry. The familiar thoughts start running through my head of all of the hurtful things in my life. Feeling feelings and trying to discuss them has gotten me the accusation of having PMS, and resentment has grown inside of me for that. I often heard, "You have PMS, Sarah." Really, what I was being told was, 'go away.'

I 'try' to run away from it all. I don't want to feel. What do I do with all of these feelings?

So, I run to buy cookies.

I run to buy clothing or shoes.

I run to the phone to talk to a friend.

I run to 'give to others' endlessly, when I am an empty vessel myself. This causes me to have feelings of more anger at my pretended'kindnesses.' Guilt, anger, and shame fill me because the cookies, shopping and endless service isn't working to 'fix' me.

At the end of the day, I run to have a one-sided communication with Heavenly Father, telling Him how sorry I am for being such a horrible person. And before He can say anything back to me, my head hits the pillow, and I'm asleep. The night is filled with awful dreams of re-enactments of my hurts.

I can't get away from it. So, more shopping hits my routine of daily tasks for the next day.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can I understand, He, only One.
He answers privately. Reaches my reaching, in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind, love without end.

He is the answer. He is our Counselor. He is the way out of our problems. My routine is changing. I stop running.

I begin to see the first step

I awoke today with familiar feelings. The familiar feelings of shame for who I am and the unworthiness to exist. They threaten to take my soul into a dark place that I am even more familiar with. As I let the feelings wash over me, I decide to allow myself to be the human I was meant to be and I go to that dark place. I have learned that forcing myself not to go to that place is only illusionary. I end up in the dark place whether I want to admit it or not.

It's dark here. It's lonely here. It's sad here. So many wrong decisions have been made. So many hard feelings towards others have been felt. Deeds done that I wish I could take back.

After a couple of minutes of just feeling whatever feeling comes into my heart, I lay in my bed, still.

Then I hear little Bruce is awake and wanting me. I retrieve him from his crib and lay him next to me in my bed. As I begin to nurse him, I look into his little eyes which are gazing into mine. I feel such love for this little man. His innocence and purity warms my heart. He doesn't take his eyes off of me, and I don't take my eyes off of him. I soak in the moments with this little one. I begin dreaming of the life this little guy will live. I wonder at the choices he'll make and the journey that will be his here on this earth. I begin planning all the lessons he'll need in order to make a safe journey.

It is at this moment that I begin to see the first step I need to make to the hard climb of finding the healing that Gethsemane offers. I find peace and strength in the thought that I can get out of this darkness and that Jesus Christ came for this very reason.

Needy Child Syndrome

To say that I was a needy child would probably be putting it lightly. I needed a lot of attention and instruction. Sadly though, I was child number 6 of 12 to my parents and as a result, got very little instruction and interaction with my parents.

Why do I bring this up? And how does this relate to my recovery from co-dependency?

Well, all children are self centered. It is a tremendous work to teach a child to forget themselves and care for others.

When I over-achieved in taking care of my other siblings and caring to the household duties that were my moms responsibilities, I did it to get something back from my mom for myself. So, on the outside I looked like this loving, caring, and selfless person, when really I did it all to get something back.

Referring to Elder Hales talk again:

Quote: 'There are three important elements that will allow us to make good decisions:
...And third, we need to examine our motives each time we make a decision.' Unquote


The motives behind my decision to give so much to my needy parents was so that I would get what I needed from them. I worked, I slaved, I gave up my own interests, I felt sorry for them, etc. It was all about me.

This made me a very angry and needy person myself. I became a person obsessed that my parents 'get better.' While I was taking such good care of my parents (at least I had convinced myself I was such a good caretaker of them,) I was failing miserably at taking care of myself.

So, who was going to take care of Sarah and her problems, duties, and work? I couldn't do it myself. I was way too absorbed and consumed in all of my parents needs and problems.

Well, this is the huge discovery. It is also the challenge I have ahead of me. I am in the habit of worrying about my parents' needs and problems, not mine.

Recovery from Co-dependence

Seven years ago I was watching a BYU Continuing Education program on channel 21. The message was about co-dependent relationships. I remember thinking that that sounded like a problem I had in my life. But, life was really busy back then and I soon forgot about that program.

Then last week that program came back into my head. The only thing that I remember from the program is the word co-dependent. So, I went to lds.org a couple of days ago and typed in the word co-dependent. A talk given by Robert D. Hales came up along with 4 other links to go to that referred to addiction recovery.

Here is a quote from the talk: 'About three to four years ago, Joe was an alcoholic. Linda, while she did not drink, was co-dependent emotionally on the behavior of an alcoholic husband. She was nearing a nervous breakdown. She had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. So she left home, taking the children, except for a fourteen-year-old son.'


I have searched for the meaning of co-dependent and in part found this:

"An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individuals's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."


This is the home I grew up in. I was not allowed to discuss my problems and challenges. For whatever reasons, the affect that had on me was not good. I became obsessed with trying to fix my parents problems and tried to make them be happy because I was fixing their problems. I did this so that they then would be available to me.


Continuing on with what co-dependence is, I found this: A fairly common demoninator of co-dependence is having a relationship with troubled, needy, or dependent people. And a more common denominator is having unwritten, silent rules in a family that: 1. prohibits discussion about problems, 2. prohibits open expression of feelings, 3. prohibits direct, honest communication 4. prohibits realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect 5. allows selfishness 6. prohibits trust in other people or one's self 7. prohibits playing and having fun.



I have come to realize how co-dependent I am. I am much like the women Elder Hales referred to. As a child I became obsessed with controlling my parents behavior. I spent all my energy worrying about their recovering from their problems. I over-achieved in taking care of their other children, I spent my time making sure the house was quiet so they could sleep (they were employed graveyard shifts,) I didn't ask ANYTHING from them. I did all of this hoping their behavior would change and they would release me from the unspoken, oppressive rule they had on me - the rule that I couldn't express my feelings and discuss my problems.


Because I recognize how co-dependence has been hurting me in my life, I'm going to be spending the next little while discussing it on my blog. I'm doing with the hopes too that it might help someone else. Like the women in Elder Hales talk who said she was nearing a nervous breakdown because of her husbands behavior, she had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. Although the people in my life are not alcoholics, I have been trying to control their behavior nonetheless. It is my goal to recover from it!

Sometimes, and actually more regularly, I feel so grateful to be a part of these little ones lives. They are such a joy to be around. I try to savor every moment, even the challenging ones. Little Bruce is a joy to have and we love him to pieces. Rex is 4 years old and voicing his opinions more and more often. Vanessa is a jewel. She is turning 11 here pretty soon. I feel so lucky to be her mom.

Family fun with the John Taylors

John and Dexy came up to Logan about a month ago and spent some time with us. It was so much fun to hang out with them and renew our friendships. And after Jared's dinner, Dexy cleaned my dishes better than they have been cleaned in awhile. Thanks Dexy! We played Apples to Apples with the kids and had a blast! And then Jared ran to the grocery store to end the night with a yummy ice cream cone. Thanks Jared!

New hobbies

Between Jared's love for physical exercise, and Eric's love of picture taking, we get these great shots. We have had so much fun going to watch Jared play ward ball these last couple of weeks.

A lot going on

We have had so much going on, but the most recent change with us is that Jared got a new schedule at work. He was doing the graveyard shift. In the next week or two he will change from 5am-5pm. It will be so nice to have a more normal life. And now I don't have to keep kids quiet while Jared sleeps. It's going to be a rough time getting used to it though.. Not that I'm complaining;)

Sacrifice

Nov 2007 Ensign, Elder Porter says:

"After His Resurrection, Jesus Christ declared to the people in the New World:

“Your sacrifices and your burnt offerings shall be done away, for I will accept none of [them]. …

“And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart … , him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost” (3 Nephi 9:19–20).

What are a broken heart and a contrite spirit? And why are they considered a sacrifice?"



I had to look up the word contrite. We don't offer burnt offerings to God anymore. We offer broken hearts and contrite spirits. Contrite means sorrow or regret. Since I haven't been running away from my sins, I can be more honest in my sorrow and regret for the wrongs I do. It is a wonderful feeling to be forgiven.


Elder Porter continues:

"As in all things, the Savior’s life offers us the perfect example: though Jesus of Nazareth was utterly without sin, He walked through life with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, as manifested by His submission to the will of the Father. “For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me” (John 6:38). To His disciples He said, “Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29). And when the time came to pay the ultimate sacrifice entailed in the Atonement, Christ shrank not to partake of the bitter cup but submitted completely to His Father’s will.

The Savior’s perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Christ’s example teaches us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we are. The sacrifice so entailed is a sacrifice of pride in all its forms. Like malleable clay in the hands of a skilled potter, the brokenhearted can be molded and shaped in the hands of the Master.

A broken heart and a contrite spirit are also preconditions to repentance. Lehi taught:

“Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah. …

“Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered” (2 Nephi 2:6–7).

When we sin and desire forgiveness, a broken heart and a contrite spirit mean to experience “godly sorrow [that] worketh repentance” (2 Corinthians 7:10). This comes when our desire to be cleansed from sin is so consuming that our hearts ache with sorrow and we yearn to feel at peace with our Father in Heaven."


This is a fabulous talk! I suggest the full read. It is such a pity that I was not taught any of this in my youth. But, oh how I rejoice that I am learning it now! For my heart does ache to feel at peace with Father in Heaven always. And the glorious gift of the Atonement given us by our Savior Jesus Christ is everything to me.

I turned 35 last month! And little Bruce is just a joy to have. We are truly blessed.

Rex turned 4 a month ago. Wow! Time flies..

An angel speaking

An angel speaking to Nephi said:

1 Ne 14:10 And he said unto me: Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth.


The angel continues.

1 Ne 13:6-9 And it came to pass that I beheld this great and abominable church; and I saw the devil that he was the founder of it.
7 And I also saw gold, and silver, and silks, and scarlets, and fine-twined linen, and all manner of precious clothing; and I saw many harlots.
8 And the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold the gold, and the silver, and the silks, and the scarlets, and the fine-twined linen, and the precious clothing, and the harlots, are the desires of this great and abominable church.
9 And also for the praise of the world do they destroy the saints of God, and bring them down into captivity.



Is it so simple that when we set our hearts on the things of this world and for the praise of men that we commence to be a part of the devils' great and abominable church? Wow, this is so eye opening to me and reminds me of the parable of the sower that Jesus spoke of. And then when we belong to that abominable church, we then seek to destroy the saints of God. What a horrible thought!

Boyd K. Packer said"Satan is the deceiver, the destroyer, but his is a temporary victory.'

'The angels of the devil convince some that they are born to a life from which they cannot escape and are compelled to live in sin. The most wicked of lies is that they cannot change and repent and that they will not be forgiven. That cannot be true. They have forgotten the Atonement of Christ.'

“For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him” (D&C 18:11)."


It has been said that the Book of Mormon is the most anti-romantic book written. Yes, that would seem so to me. It doesn't seek to put rose-colored glasses on me AT ALL! Thank goodness!

Snowmobiling..

This is Jared's favorite part of winter. He adores snowmobiling. It is an expensive sport, sadly. It makes it so that we don't get to join him on his journey's. Maybe someday in the future...