With all of the voices in this world that tell us this and that should fix our hurts, problems, and challenges, which ones lure you in and deceive you?
Recently, I have been pondering at what lures me in. Cookies have done it too many times. It goes like this...
As I've said before, I wake up angry. The familiar thoughts start running through my head of all of the hurtful things in my life. Feeling feelings and trying to discuss them has gotten me the accusation of having PMS, and resentment has grown inside of me for that. I often heard, "You have PMS, Sarah." Really, what I was being told was, 'go away.'
I 'try' to run away from it all. I don't want to feel. What do I do with all of these feelings?
So, I run to buy cookies.
I run to buy clothing or shoes.
I run to the phone to talk to a friend.
I run to 'give to others' endlessly, when I am an empty vessel myself. This causes me to have feelings of more anger at my pretended'kindnesses.' Guilt, anger, and shame fill me because the cookies, shopping and endless service isn't working to 'fix' me.
At the end of the day, I run to have a one-sided communication with Heavenly Father, telling Him how sorry I am for being such a horrible person. And before He can say anything back to me, my head hits the pillow, and I'm asleep. The night is filled with awful dreams of re-enactments of my hurts.
I can't get away from it. So, more shopping hits my routine of daily tasks for the next day.
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can I understand, He, only One.
He answers privately. Reaches my reaching, in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind, love without end.
He is the answer. He is our Counselor. He is the way out of our problems. My routine is changing. I stop running.
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2 comments:
As always, I appreciate the honest and raw quality of these posts. They come from your heart.
Again, beautiful and inspiring to read. I love what you are writing Sar! Even though there's sorrow and heartache expressed (and that's sometimes difficult to read), I enjoy the messages you share.
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