I begin to see the first step

I awoke today with familiar feelings. The familiar feelings of shame for who I am and the unworthiness to exist. They threaten to take my soul into a dark place that I am even more familiar with. As I let the feelings wash over me, I decide to allow myself to be the human I was meant to be and I go to that dark place. I have learned that forcing myself not to go to that place is only illusionary. I end up in the dark place whether I want to admit it or not.

It's dark here. It's lonely here. It's sad here. So many wrong decisions have been made. So many hard feelings towards others have been felt. Deeds done that I wish I could take back.

After a couple of minutes of just feeling whatever feeling comes into my heart, I lay in my bed, still.

Then I hear little Bruce is awake and wanting me. I retrieve him from his crib and lay him next to me in my bed. As I begin to nurse him, I look into his little eyes which are gazing into mine. I feel such love for this little man. His innocence and purity warms my heart. He doesn't take his eyes off of me, and I don't take my eyes off of him. I soak in the moments with this little one. I begin dreaming of the life this little guy will live. I wonder at the choices he'll make and the journey that will be his here on this earth. I begin planning all the lessons he'll need in order to make a safe journey.

It is at this moment that I begin to see the first step I need to make to the hard climb of finding the healing that Gethsemane offers. I find peace and strength in the thought that I can get out of this darkness and that Jesus Christ came for this very reason.