Horrible, then Beautiful

What a horrible scene this paints! At first. But then, what a beautiful scene it paints!

Helaman Chapter 3.

33 And in the fifty and first year of the reign of the judges there was peace also, save it were the pride which began to enter into the church—not into the church of God, but into the hearts of the people who professed to belong to the church of God—

34 And they were lifted up in pride, even to the persecution of many of their brethren. Now this was a great evil, which did cause the more humble part of the people to suffer great persecutions, and to wade through much affliction.

35 Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.

Weekend happenings

We have a super busy weekend. It starts off today with going to a play at the school. Joseph was one of the crew in a play about Napoleon Dynamite. Jared and Eric are going camping with the Young Men scouts tonight. I have a baptism to go to tomorrow morning. Rex has a birthday party to go to tomorrow morning. Tomorrow night Vanessa and I are going to Salt Lake to go to the General Young Women conference. And then on Sunday I have the lesson in Primary sharing time.

Justice and Mercy

I hope we are taking notes that as to how we obtain God's mercy. It seems many in the world think that they can sin without fear of a punishment. The prophet Alma does an excellent job of explaining how justice and mercy work in the Book of Mormon, Alma chapters 39-42. Before I confessed by sins, forsook them, and repented, I struggled to understand how I wouldn't obtain Gods' mercy because I told myself I was 'doing the best' I could. Really, I was just protecting my pride and didn't want to confess. I mean, let's face it, it can be quite embarrassing to confess. At least it was for me. Now that I've done it, I have peace. But I was willing to pay the price of all the embarrassment so that I could have that peace. Sadly, there are many who won't pay the price. If that is you, I can testify that any embarrassment you might face is nothing compared to the beauty of the peace you will find.

It's like when you have to use the drought {toilet.} You are miserable as you hold in the fecal matter. But, when you use the toilet, relieving yourself of the toxicity, you feel at peace again. Yes, the bathroom will stink for awhile, and embarrass you, but the smell will dissipate, and any remembrance of the pain and toxicity you were holding in, as well as the residual smell will vanish forever. It is a beautiful thing.


Alma speaking to his son Corianton:

1 And now, my son, I perceive there is somewhat more which doth worry your mind, which ye cannot understand—which is concerning the justice of God in the punishment of the sinner; for ye do try to suppose that it is injustice that the sinner should be consigned to a state of misery.
...

29 And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance.

30 O my son, I desire that ye should deny the justice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let the justice of God, and his mercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in humility.

Redemption and Forgiveness

My father has long told me that I have no authority to call anyone to repentance. He says that only the Brethren can do that. I disagree and have always disagreed with him. It has never set well with me every time he has tried to get me to agree with him. Now I have to backing to why I always felt that way. I wish I could convince him.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson says in this latest General Conference:

Repentance is an expansive subject, but today I would like to mention just five aspects of this fundamental gospel principle that I hope will be helpful.

First, the invitation to repent is an expression of love. When the Savior “began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matthew 4:17)it was a message of love, inviting all who would to qualify to join Him “and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life [itself] in the world to come” (Moses 6:59). If we do not invite others to change or if we do not demand repentance of ourselves, we fail in a fundamental duty we owe to one another and to ourselves. A permissive parent, an indulgent friend, a fearful Church leader are in reality more concerned about themselves than the welfare and happiness of those they could help. Yes, the call to repentance is at times regarded as intolerant or offensive and may even be resented, but guided by the Spirit, it is in reality an act of genuine caring (see D&C 121:43–44).



Friendship has eluded me with many of my extended family members for a season. It has been a source of great sorrow to me. Nevertheless, I rejoice in my own repentance and in the forgiveness I have received. I tell everyone who will listen to me of the redemption Christ has given me.

Who is ruining our country?

President of the United States Woodrow Wilson signed the Federal Reserve Act in 1913. The signing of this Act gave a private institution the power to print our money. A private institution, my friends. No longer is it the job of the United States Treasury. Here is what President Woodrow Wilson said years later:


28th President Woodrow Wilson, 1919
“I am a most unhappy man. I have unwittingly ruined my country. A great industrial nation is now controlled by its system of credit… We have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated Governments in the world - no longer a Government of free opinion, no longer a Government by conviction and vote of the majority, but a Government by the opinion and duress of small groups of dominant men.”

Charles A. Lindbergh, Sr (father of famous aviator), Congressman - 1913
"This [Federal Reserve Act] establishes the most gigantic trust on earth. When the President Wilson signs this bill, the invisible government of the monetary power will be legalized....the worst legislative crime of the ages is perpetrated by this banking and currency bill. From now on, depressions will be scientifically be created."

Please, please read None Dare Call It Conspiracy. It exposes who this group of small dominant men are and how they are ruining our country. Go to youtube and find out everything you can about the Federal Reserve. Then tell all your friends and family members.

Training

Life is busy, but not too busy. The kids are doing well. Jared is busy with his work. I am busy with keeping up with the house and all that comes with rearing 5 energetic children. I think often of a woman who had a dream that she was feeding the missionaries dinner at her home (which she was famous for doing in real life because she rolled out the red carpet for them.) In her dream, there were missionaries at her table for dinner, her family, and a man who she didn't look closely at because she was busy with getting the meal on the table. After awhile, her husband began speaking with the man. And as she made her way over to the man, she recognized him as Jesus. He told her that she had well-trained children, among other things. But, that is the thing that has been going through my mind over and over again. Well-trained children. Training. I want well-trained children. Children with manners, respect, love, giving, full of truth and faith.

I worry about my children. Not the kind of worry that comes because you don't have confidence in your children, just the kind of worry that comes as a result of my own imperfections. It is my greatest wish that my children be ready to go out into the world and be that force for good that would make our Father in Heaven proud. I have full faith and confidence that my children are being taught from the perfect source. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

Research

I hope we are all doing our research on what is going on in our country. I hope we are all reading the books suggested by our prophets. Freedom is at stake.

President Bensons recommendation

Here is the video clip of President Ezra Taft Benson recommending the book which exposes the conspiracy to bring down the United States of America. Here is the link to the FREE online book. I hope everyone will read it.



Here is another great talk by President Benson that is worth watching now that elections are upon us.


Thomas S. Monson said:
“His voice of warning over many years in the cause of freedom can be found in hundreds of his speeches and in his books, including The Red Carpet, The Title of Liberty, This Nation Shall Endure, and An Enemy Hath Done This. On the two-hundredth anniversary of the signing of the Constitution of the United States, President Thomas S. Monson reflected: “I think it is no small coincidence in fact, I think it is the inspiration of the Almighty God that at this particular time we have serving as president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, President Ezra Taft Benson, one of the greatest advocates of freedom, and one of those who loves most the Constitution.”

( Source: Quoted in Baird, 7 )

England

I have a friend who lived for several months in England. While she was there she learned that the people there consider it rude to lift a bowl of milk to your mouth to drink. Rather, they use their spoon to bring the milk to their mouths. This morning my Rex, who is six right now, decided to finish his cereal with milk this way. I wondered if we were going to make it to school on time there for a minute. We did.

Ron Paul

Ron Paul is my choice for United States President to go against Barack Obama. I hope we are all doing our own research. I am pretty sure my Dad would disagree with me because he doesn't think he is electable. Either way, I am voting who I think is best for our country

Love

Love: Perhaps the reason this talk attracts me so much is because of how long I have spent during my life feeling UNloved, both by the Lord and my fellow-man. After much repentance, I now feel loved. But, the thing I love about this talk is the promise of feeling higher levels of love with greater consecration.


Elder Russell M. Nelson's talk:

Divine Love Is Also Conditional

While divine love can be called perfect, infinite, enduring, and universal, it cannot correctly be characterized as unconditional. The word does not appear in the scriptures. On the other hand, many verses affirm that the higher levels of love the Father and the Son feel for each of us—and certain divine blessings stemming from that love—are conditional. Before citing examples, it is well to recognize various forms of conditional expression in the scriptures.

The Conditional Nature of Divine Love

With scriptural patterns of conditional statements in mind, we note many verses that declare the conditional nature of divine love for us. Examples include:
•
“If ye keep my commandments, [then] ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.”18

•
“If you keep not my commandments, [then] the love of the Father shall not continue with you.”19

•
“If a man love me, [then] he will keep my words: and my Father will love him.”20

•
“I love them that love me; and those that seek me … shall find me.”21

•
“God is no respecter of persons: But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.”22

•
The Lord “loveth those who will have him to be their God.”23

•
“He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.”24

Beautiful music

One of our new favorite songs. We are really enjoying Dallyn Bayles.

'Children of God as predatory beasts'

The television drives me crazy most of the time. Really most of the shows are disgusting. I used to be so desensitized by it and not bothered. Those days are gratefully gone. Now it bothers me a lot to see marriage and fidelity mocked, drinking is made to look glamourous, human relationships cruel with one another, etc. Elder Dallin H. Oaks says this:


'The movies and magazines and television that shape our attitudes are filled with stories or images that portray the children of God as predatory beasts or, at best, as trivial creations pursuing little more than personal pleasure. And too many of us accept this as entertainment.

The men and women who made epic sacrifices to combat evil regimes in the past were shaped by values that are disappearing from our public teaching. The good, the true, and the beautiful are being replaced by the no-good, the “whatever,” and the valueless fodder of personal whim. Not surprisingly, many of our youth and adults are caught up in pornography, pagan piercing of body parts, self-serving pleasure pursuits, dishonest behavior, revealing attire, foul language, and degrading sexual indulgence.'



I see many Latter-Day Saints accepting this as entertainment. Truly a shame.

The Piano Guys

Look over at the side of my blog-------------->>>>>>>>>

If this is your introduction to The Piano Guys, you are in for a real treat. My husband grew up in the same ward as Steve, the cellist, and they were in the same orchestra together in highschool. We are in awe at the beauty of their music.

This piece is so gorgeous and calms my soul.

Behind the scenes

I would say I am pretty naive when it comes to governments, politicians, lobbyists, special interest groups and the like. I don't spend my time seeking after power and looking for a handout from anyone. I am strongly opposed to government handouts. Of course, there are times when things happen to people, like hurricane Katrina, and the government steps in to give aid. Of course, even then, the people do a much better job with charitable organizations that a government agency. Nevertheless, I'm talking about people who, for example, go on food stamps while going to college. I'm with the prophets who teach us to save money to attend college, while taking semesters off, if needed, in order to save the money needed to avoid going on any government aid.

It is in this frame of mind that I search out who I will put in my vote for President of the United States in 2012.

A few years ago I read a book written by Gary Allen, which Ezra Taft Benson said all freedom loving people should read. It is called None Dare Call It Conspiracy. I read about secret groups that are organized to bring down freedom in the world. I read about groups like Trilateral commission and the CFR (Council on Foreign Relations.) I had never heard of this group and the others who are working to control what information we obtain through the news, media and entertainment, and newspapers, and truthfully I was only attracted to this topic of freedom because I married into a family who almost totally dissolved my freedom. They controlled nearly every aspect of my life and shamed me, humiliated me, and mocked me every time I 'tried' to use my free will. That is another story and a most sad one. But, this is what caused me to give great demand of my time as I read this book by Allen. Freedom. And who is trying to bring it down. The book talks about the Nelsons, Rockefellers, Rothschilds, Morgans and others. All of their work is done behind the scenes and if you don't know how to see the picture that is drawn behind it, you will be misled.

So, who is a member of the CFR? Well, Newt Gingrich is. Mitt Romney has chosen CFR members as his closest aids. Dick Cheney. Hillary Clinton is a member and more. You have to read this book, like President Benson says, to really get an understanding of what is happening in our world. I have posted several links that will give you a taste of what the book talks about. You can buy a hard copy as well, and I highly recommend it.

God's Hand

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about President Henry B. Eyring's thoughts on recognizing and writing down God's hand in our lives that happen daily. Immediately the thought comes into my mind of the peace I feel in my heart. I suffered so long with an uncomfortable, blech, in my stomach, that I'm reminded first off that I don't have that constant nagging anymore.

As I search my mind for other things that happened throughout the day, I find myself struggling a bit. So, I asked Heavenly Father. I'm still sifting through the events of the day, and I feel the Spirit as I'm thinking.

I am so grateful for this life and the chance to prove myself. It isn't easy fighting off pride, self-pity, covetting, envying, idolatry, etc. But I have my breastplate of righteousness, my shield of faith, my helmet of salvation, my feet shod with the gospel of peace, and of course my only weapon, the sword of truth.

With the temptations all around me, I feel so blessed to have the knowledge of Jesus Christ and that he is my Master, my King, my Counselor, my strength. I know I can get through it all with Him as my guide.

I love you all. May we each feel the love of the Lord in our hearts. May we feel His acceptance of us and our efforts to live as he lived. If you do not feel his love for you or his acceptance of you, may I suggest you search after it. It can be found and no matter how much effort you put into finding it, it will be worth every effort you make. I know that is true.

Two-Year Old Named Bruce

For history purposes, I have to write this post.

Bruce is a true terrible two. Here is the list of what happened the other day.

1. Climbing on the counter, turn on the water, play with the water sprayer. I come running in the kitchen, he turns the water sprayer and starts spraying me.

2. I walk around the house looking for him and I call out his name. No answer. I see that my bedroom door is closed. I try to open the door and it is locked. I retrieve the spare key and unlock the door, but can smell hairspray from the other side of the door. I go in my bedroom and he has my aerosol can of hairspray and he is spraying a piece of paper and the carpet. I move toward him and he turns the can of hairspray on me and sprays me.

3. We have a dog. We have a gas fireplace. The glass gets very hot. Bruce loves to chase the dog and pull on his collar. He pushes the dog against the hot glass and gets a kick out of the dogs reaction when it burns the dog.

4. He has found my bag of rice. He loves to eat it raw.

5. He climbs up on the washing machine.

6. He opens the oven door and uses it as trampoline.

7. He dropped Vanessa's necklace in the toilet and flushed it. When he realized it was gone forever, he cried for Vanessa's loss.

8. He runs down the street, running as fast as he can, with his big Tonka truck. It takes Jared and I running as fast as we can and we have a hard time catching him.

It is a crazy ride right now with this little guy. I don't know how I'll ever say I miss this stage. Older women tell me I will. I think they're crazy. I might eat my words someday, but that's okay.

Feelings

After reading in Ether this morning, my heart is heavy and sad. I don't know how you can read chapters 11-16 and not feel sad. Wait, I take that back, I do know how you can read those last chapters and not feel anything.

And that leads me into the discussion I'd like to have now.

When I was 27 years old I was a very sad woman and had been for 17 years. From the time I was ten year old, I constantly had this feeling in my heart that something wasn't right in my life. I would watch movies and not understand them. I would read and not understand what I was reading. I would watch the news and see stories where violent crimes had taken place, and I would FEEL nothing. Not that I wanted those horrible things to happen to those people, I just didn't have any feeling of horror when I knew I ought to. That disturbed me. A lot.

I would talk to my family members, friends, fellow church members, and ask anyone who I thought would have answers for me as to why I might be so unhappy and I was met with the same types of replies: they didn't know. My family members would get annoyed by my persistence in asking questions.

Several years later and I have found my answers as to why I was so unhappy and why I didn't feel horror when I should, neither did I feel love, nor loved, when I should.

The answer is in repentance. How is that? Because I had been searching for love and happiness in others' acceptance of me, in the malls, in saying the right things. I envied and coveted others' lives. I had a MAJOR 'poor me' outlook on life. I could never measure up to what I thought the world expected of me in order to be an acceptable person. The people around me didn't help me.

Now I feel love and loved. And oh do I feel loved. My joy is as exquisite as was my pain. I know this came from accepting Jesus as Lord and Ruler of my life. I live for Him. Words cannot describe the feelings I have for Him.

So, it wasn't so long ago that I didn't feel anything.

I am grateful today that I do.

I have a constant prayer in my heart that I will never, ever go back to who I was.

Wake Up!

How many times do we ignore the teachings of the Savior and think that we know a better way? It is safe to say that I spent way, way too long being rebellious and proud, and even still struggle to be obedient.

Mormon led the Nephites to war against the Lamanites. The Nephites were rebellious at this time and would boast in their successes. They had stopped giving the glory to God for their successes against their enemies, the Lamanites. Mormon had stopped being their leader once, but then changed his mind and decided to be their leader but says this:

Book of Mormon
Mormon 5:2 But behold, I was without hope, for I knew the judgments of the Lord which should come upon them; for they repented not of their iniquities, but did struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them.


How sad! This story is so sad. May we all give glory to God for each and every day we have here on the earth to repent and learn to live the way He says.

Do we know what God's judgements are? Or do we suppose that God will look down upon our rebellion and be okay with it? He is not okay. I too know of Gods judgements. Looking at the world today, I can see the sense of urgency the Brethern have when they speak of joining the Lord's army and standing for something. How many of us are alseep? We need to wake up and repent of our sins so we can join the fight against Satan.

What's up...

We have been working so hard to finish our yard outside and it has been consuming all of our time and extra money. Eric and Joseph finished up the football season and both of them had an awesome experience. I recently asked the kids if they like living in our new home and neighborhood better than our old one. It was a unanimous response... 'yes!' Jared and I agree as well. It was such a good move.

Bruce is almost completely potty trained and 2 years old as of Sept 9th.

Rex is learning his letters and sounds in kindergarten. He has Mrs. Roberts.

Joseph is in 4th grade. He loves to read.

Eric is in 6th grade and started middle school. He is a good friend. His primary teachers love him

Vanessa is in 7th grade. Her judgement is getting better. She started a tumbling class and hopes to be a professional gymnist and violinist someday.

Jared works hard. He is making new friends here.

I rejoice in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love having Jesus as my guide. I have found where happiness is.

Dedicate my life

Speaking of the horrible tragedy of 9/11 President Thomas S. Monson said this:

'It is constancy that God would have from us. Tragedies are not merely opportunities to give Him a fleeting thought, or for momentary insight to His plan for our happiness. Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were. We can make Him the center of our thoughts and His Son, Jesus Christ, the pattern for our behavior. We may not only find faith in God in our sorrow. We may also become faithful to Him in times of calm.'

Thomas S. Monson is president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.


I add my own thoughts and testimony that 'I need thee every hour' to our Savior Jesus Christ. I have begun to start my day with a prayer where I dedicate my day to Him. My kids hear me pray for this and have begun to pray for the same thing. The power of inviting the Lord into my life has been tremendous. I feel His guidance and my mind has had greater clarity to sense that guidance.

New School Year

Hi Everyone!

It is a new school year and the kids are really enjoying school. Vanessa and Eric are at the Intermediate school together, while Joseph and Rex are at the Elementary school together. Rex started kindergarten and has loved the first two days.

I am home with Bruce. I spend my days cleaning and cooking and planning meals and coordinating scout den meetings. Another part of my day is spent talking to friends. I have met two women here in our new neighborhood that seem to be a lot like me too.

Jared and I are also putting in a sprinkling system in our yard. Actually Jared is doing it while I chase after Bruce as he runs down the street. Aww! The joys of having an almost two year old.

Life is busy and sometimes seems like it gets so busy that there isn't time for the Lord. I have to purposefully set time out of my day for personal study and prayer. I get reoccurring dreams that I miss my Institute/Religion class when I don't make the time for what is most important in my day.

The Good Fight

As I was reading my scriptures this morning, I read in Alma Chapter 1. King Mosiah has passed away and appointed Alma the younger to be the chief judge in the judgement seat. In the first year, a man is brought before Alma and here is what it says about this man:

2 And it came to pass that in the first year of the reign of Alma in the judgment-seat, there was a a man brought before him to be judged, a man who was large, and was noted for his much strength.

3 And he had gone about among the people, preaching to them that which he termed to be the word of God, bearing down against the church; declaring unto the people that every priest and teacher ought to become popular; and they ought not to labor with their hands, but that they ought to be supported by the people.

4 And he also testified unto the people that all mankind should be saved at the last day, and that they need not fear nor tremble, but that they might lift up their heads and rejoice; for the Lord had created all men, and had also redeemed all men; and, in the end, all men should have eternal life.

The thing that is so disturbing to me is that I see so many people believe this lie. All men will not be redeemed when they have spent their mortal days in rebellion to God.

Then I read in 1 John 2: 4-5

4 He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.

5 But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him.

Continuing on with the good fight....
Have a good day! Give glory to God! Keep his commandments!

Saying I'm sorry can be hard, but not impossible

The other day Vanessa was over at a friends house. They were together for the better part of the afternoon. I had told Vanessa to come home at 5pm. She arrived home at 5pm along with her friend. She asked me if they could play until 5:30pm. I told her no. Thirty minutes goes by and I keep calling out for Vanessa to come help me get dinner on the table. There is no response. I go outside in the front and call out her name. No response. Ten more minutes goes by and I go out onto the fron porch to clean up a mud mess. I see Vanessa's friend walking out from behind where I had parked the van.

I call Vanessa over to me and tell her what she did broke my trust in her. She said sorry. I asked her if she had the 'ick' in her stomach. She said yes. I told her that I need her to follow my instructions in order for me to be able to trust her. She understands. I told her to call her friend and apologize to her for not making her go home at 5 and to tell her that she is sorry for not respecting my instructions. I also told her to tell her friend that she doesn't want her to think it is okay to treat her mother that way either. Her friend says, 'Okay, but I've gotta go.'

This friend has not made peace with me yet. She knew I told her to leave. She disrespected me too.

Instead of coming and apologizing to me, she has become sneaky.

I told Vanessa to tell her that if she wants to be friends with her, she needs to apologize to me.

We'll see what happens. I hope this girl apologizes and her sneakiness doesn't have to be brought to her own mothers attention.

These girls are 12 and 13 years old. I find it a priviledge to teach them the doctrine of repentance. I love teaching the children how to have successful, respectful relationships. I love seeing the look in my kids eyes when they understand what I teach them. It brings me great joy!

Camp, football, and spirituality

Today Vanessa left for beehive camp. I was excited and nervous for her as she got out of the car. We are in a new ward and the fact that she has rarely been away from us for the night are the main explanations for my anxiety. I'm sure she'll be fine and come home with fun stories to tell us about.

The boys, Eric and Joseph, start football tonight too.

We also have been called to be the Bears and Webelos Scout leaders in our ward and have our first meeting tonight with the boys. That should be fun. Jared has had this calling before and so it is very familiar to him. As for me? Well, let's just say there will have to be small learning curve.

Spiritually speaking, I am working on being steadfast and immovable in the fight to stand up for virtue and goodness, and stand against apathy and evil. It seems all around me that people allow their standards to follow the ways of the world. Blech! I despise the shame of the world and look forward to the day where I can rest from all the worlds disobedience. I look forward with hope to the day when I can meet my Savior again. But surely I'm glad it isn't today for I still have work to do. Today is the day for men to perform their labors... as the scriputes goes. Tomorrow the Savior comes... we read in the scriptures. So, today I work, always looking forward to tomorrow.

We've moved

Here's a picture of our house in the unfinished view. I don't have a current picture uploaded yet on the computer.

But, we are in our new place, we've already given our talks in our new ward, and been welcomed warmly in our new neighborhood. Vanessa turned 12 and is in Beehives, Eric turned 11, and Joseph is turning 9 on Sunday.

I feel so grateful to be in this new place, and I'm not just talking about our physical address. I am continually working on my relationship with Heavenly Father, and working to change from my old ways.

Busy, busy

Our lives have been crazy busy the last couple of weeks.

In Vanessa's English class she is working in a group to film a scene from The Bridge to Teribithia. It has been a gigantic project. It is due tomorrow, thankfully. She has worked hard on it and I can't wait to see the final work. She's finishing up on it tonight.

Eric is getting his Webelos tonight. I am so proud of him.

And then of course, the selling of our home has been a huge time consumer. As part of the deal the buyers of our home have asked that we put new shingles on our roof over the garage and front door areas only. Jared will be working on that over the next 7 days.

Life just keeps on moving and time flies by.

Sold!!!

So the buyers of our house came back with another counter offer that we are accepting. Yea! Our realtor is so awesome! He is taking $o.oo commission to make this deal happen. Jared will compensate him with an engraved garden rock for his home. We'll also probably do another rock or two for him in the future.

In the past, we have sold 2 other homes to .... divorced, single, middle-aged men. Not that there is anything wrong with divorced, single, middle-aged men. I just really wanted to sell this house to a family.

Happy day today!
-Sarah

An offer

Adorable little Bruce at 1 year old- 6 months ago!

Yesterday our realtor called us to tell us that an offer for our home was coming in and that he would come by to present it to us. He said he didn't know what the offer looked like or if it would be acceptable to us.

So, the offer is considerably under what we would accept. We sent them a counter offer and we'll know tonight after 5pm what they think of our counter.

This process is exciting and stressful and tiring all at the same time. The kids have been working so hard alongside Jared and I to keep the house clean. They have been so great in the process and they amaze me at their understanding of the whole process. Frequently I have to remind myself that they are little adult human beings.

More updates to follow...

Not much to say..

Recently we have been getting ready to move. Over the last 3 months we have spent most of our time either cleaning up the house to get ready for people to come see it, or making plans for the new house.

Parent Teacher Conference

I went to the boys parent teacher conference meetings. Joseph's teacher is a delight. She cares so much about Joseph and his progress.

Eric's teacher was quite a different story. Eric's class is doing a project where they are highlighting a famous person, making a poster with basic details about the person, and then they are going to have a fair where the kids are to dress up like their famous person and have parents/family members try to guess who they are.

I am so disappointed with the book Eric was given to highlight his person: Theodore Roosevelt. The last few years it has been increasingly important to me to learn the truth. The focus on Teddy Roosevelt is about his army service, being president of the United States, his influence on the game of football, and some family information.

Eric isn't being told the truth about who Teddy Roosevelt really is. I brought this to his teacher's attention. Her response was so disappointing. Sad.

New Year

I haven't been on in awhile. I don't have a good excuse.

I do want to update what has been going on in the last little while.

Vanessa has been growing into a beautiful young woman. She would be embarrassed to read that. She loves to go to school and is learning more and more. She performed with her violin in the Christmas concert at her school. Her primary has challenged her to read the scriptures everyday and she takes that challenge with some seriousness. Little 16 month old Bruce loves her and you find him on her hip often. She loves to read and recently won a contest called 'Beat the teach.' She also love fingernail polish, earrings, and her friends. I love you Vanessa.

Eric is coming into his own more and more. He wants to do what is right. He loves his friends and really enjoys playing football with them out in the field. He has found a fun sport which he enjoys, football. He is good at football and he impresses his friends. He loves to watch football with his dad. He enjoys school and he learns easily. He has struggled to find a book he enjoys but recently found a series he is really get in to. I am happy for him. I love you Eric.

Joseph is a fun person to be around. He loves school and learns easily. He has a magnetic personality that draws people to him. He is the leader in the family with creative ideas for fun. If we're bored, we look to Joseph for ways to entertain ourselves. His siblings love his ideas. He loves to play football as much as his brother Eric does. He has a drive that makes him a favorite of his recent football coaches. He loves friends, and he is a good one too. I love you Joseph.

Rex is a spunky kid. He loves to be around his older brothers. He is anxiously waiting to go to school this coming fall. He has an infectious laugh and he loves to let me cuddle with him. He shares his bedroom with his little brother Bruce and is kind to him. I love you Rex.

Bruce is the most adorable 16 month old boy. He is learning a lot. His favorite thing to do is pull his popper around the house. He says words and understands what we are saying. He loves his brothers and sister. He has finally started sleeping through the night. I love you Bruce.

Jared is working a lot and taking good care of our home. He loves to play football with his boys, and take Vanessa for daddy daughter dates to the grocery store every now and then. He loves to try new foods and has me doing the same. I love that about him. He has found a renewed love for the scriptures and I love to hear him read to us. He is a member of the Elders Quorum basketball team and enjoys that. He also enjoys working out to his P90X dvds and keeping himself active. I love you Jared.

I am enjoying taking care of our home. I find the tediousness of the jobs I have to be a joy. The children and husband I have been given are a joy for me to take care of. I love them so much. I enjoy reading. I miss exercise. I love Heavenly Father and Jesus. And I love to learn. My greatest joys come from learning and growing. I love to see the progress our little family has made in being more obedient and faithful. I love to see the little miracles in our lives.

Freedom

Freedom is a most precious gift. We must not forget who our freedom comes from: God. It is to Him we owe our adoration and allegiance.

Unity

'There has been a call for national unity in our land. I believe there needs to be unity. But it must not be a blind, senseless, irresponsible unity. It should not be a unity for the sake of unity. It needs to be a unity based on sound principles.'

This can be said of relationships as well.

Thank you Ezra Taft Benson...I couldn't agree more.

This talk is a must listen to.

A beautiful new blog I stumbled upon...

I stumbled on this blog that I just am loving. To give you a taste of the beauty of this blog, I borrowed this poem:

"Hate"

I used to hate to sweep the floors and mop and scrub and dust.
I used to hate to wash and iron and wonder why I must;
The dishes too, that awful task, that came three times a day.
I sometimes thought I'd call a strike, or maybe run away.

A gray-haired neighbor came one day, when I was all upset
With churning, baking, washing, and dinner yet to get.
I told her how I hated it, my life was but a grind;
She smiled and said perhaps my trials were mostly in my mind.

I doubted her, and yet her hair was white as driven snow.
She'd lived a heap more years than I, and surely ought to know.
"These tasks are not so hard," she said, "I've done them all my life."
It's just because you hate, my dear, that causes all the strife."

I thought perchance she might be right, and so I tried her scheme
And brought about such changes it seems just like a dream;
I ceased to hate and lo, behold! my home became a shrine of love.
And all the hated humble tasks seemed like blessings from above.

~Agnes Just Reid

Friends are hard to come by...

I am starting to get a taste of being the mother to older children. SCARY! I have worked so hard to help my children know who they are. I can't think of any greater fight against the temptations of the devil than this. When they come home from school and open up to me about how their day was, I can immediately see how Satan has been working on them. For example, Vanessa came home talking about a girl who is bullying her. The next conversation out of her was about how she doesn't like the color of her hair. What? Why these two topics together? So, I began to prod into what Vanessa's feelings were. I asked, 'Do you have any good friends at school Vanessa?' 'No, not really.' 'Do you think if you change the color of your hair that people will like you more?' I said. 'I don't know. Maybe.' She says.

So, I see my work in front of me. Just like that. 'Vanessa, what will you have to change next to make sure they like you?' She said, 'I get it Mom.' I said 'Keep looking for someone who you won't have to change who you are in order to be their friend.'

Vanessa has yet to find a good friend that is like her. She feels very alone. So far the girls she has found are the type of girls who find their self worth in worldliness.

Let this be a lesson to us all. Teach our children to find self worth in knowing they are a child of God and they have a special work to do here on this earth. Turn away from worldliness, and turn toward holiness.

Sidenote: After researching why my epidural shot didn't seem to have worked after that first couple of days I found out that the relief I was getting was from the lidocaine they used to numb the area for the actual procedure of getting the shot. The medicine inserted can take 10 days to 2 weeks to kick in.

How does it feel?

Cute picture of Ness.

Oh my gosh! I cannot believe how good my back feels. The shot had amazing results! I'm still afraid to bend over and pick things up, but in time I'm sure I'll get used to the idea. It's been too long I tell ya. What a blessing modern medicine is.. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Epidural

I got an epidural steroid shot in my back yesterday. The doctor did an amazing job. I was so impressed. I was in and out of the hospital in 30 minutes.

When I fell in the parking lot right after I gave birth to Rex in Jan 2006, I have struggled with back and hip/buttock pain ever since.

This experience of being in so much pain that I can't heal from has brought on spiritual maturity. Since I am physically immovable now, I have paid particular attention to the general Relief Society Presidents spiritual messages of being steadfast and immovable. I am grounding myself in the knowledge that God loves me, that it is my work to keep His commandments with zeal, and exercising faith in Jesus Christ as my Master.

On one particular day a few years back, I was quite down and was expressing my blue feelings to someone who I thought would give me comfort. Instead she said to me, 'Oh Sarah, just stop thinking about it (your hurt feelings) and go shopping.' Another time I was expressing my sorrow again to another person who I thought would lend me comfort only to be told, 'Sarah, you think too much. You just need to read a book. Have you read...?' What kind of a comfort is that? I hope when others come to me seeking comfort I don't say something so uncomforting as that! We have the Savior of the world to give us comfort. I hope I point others to Him and his healing words when I hear they need comfort.

I remember thinking to myself, 'What will shopping do to help me feel better? Or reading a book? It is only like alcohol, a drug of choice, for it heals nothing to shop or read to distract. It doesn't comfort or heal. It doesn't even give me hope that it will.' It is only through Jesus Christs power to heal that each of us will be healed.

Homeschool, football and a fractured toe..

The last 2 months Eric and Joseph have been in football. They have been having a blast and so have we. I love the lessons they are learning being part of a team.

Last Friday night Joseph pushed a chair over onto the top of his foot. After trying to play in his football game the next morning, he came out of the game in too much pain. We got him into the doctor and the x-ray showed a fracture in his first metatarsel on his right big toe. He has been in a lot of pain. Thankfully, 2 weeks of rest will heal it up just fine.

Also, I decided to put the kids back into public school. I hate it. The boys go all day, but Vanessa goes to Middle School and goes to 4 classes: Math, Orchestra, Reading, and English. I like her schedule a lot better because she comes home every day at 11:30am. The boys go all day and get home at 3:40ish. It's just too long.

The thing I hate the most about public school is the loss of control of what the kids learn. For example, the public system teaches about the founding of our country in a different light than I agree with. So, I have to keep in my kids faces and find out exactly what they are being told so I can correct it.

Since Vanessa gets out early in the day, I get to mold her education more. We spend our time planning meals, cooking, cleaning, going on errands, and just be together. It also gives Vanessa extra time for practicing her violin. I can't wait until next year when Eric starts middle school and I can put him into the classes I want and have him home earlier in the day too.

On a fun note, Jared and I are going to the Utah State University Aggie football game tonight. A few of his friends from Malt O-Meal invited us to go with them and their wives. I am really looking forward to it.

Holy Spirit of Promise according to Elder Scott

I have, at times, thought about eternal marriage and the sealing in the temple. We learn that if we are righteous, clean, and believers in Jesus Christ, our marriages will be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. I had never heard it explained the way Elder Scott says. I learned something new today.

Here is what Elder Richard G. Scott says about being sealed to his wife:

On his eternal marriage to Jeanene, Elder Scott says:

[My marriage has] touched every important element of my life—wanting to be a better person, wanting to live more righteously and do things that were more elevating and worthwhile. I don’t believe that the temple ordinance guarantees that we’ll be together forever. There will be a time before that sealing of the Holy Spirit of Promise that makes it eternal where we’ll be in the presence of the Savior, as individuals, and there will be a choice whether we continue with the sealing or not. And I want to do everything in my power to qualify so that she’ll choose for that sealing to be eternal.

Accusing feelings come from the Holy Ghost

Sheesh, I'm learning my share of lessons lately. I've been silenced in my extended family, and this is my way to maybe reach out for others to hear my side of the story. If you are in the sort of spirit that only wants to know one side of a story, I suggest you stop reading now.

Family relationships can be so difficult.

When a family dynamic is set up and you fall into your place, you don't have much say on where that place actually is.

In my case, my place has been as a second class citizen. The perceived more important people in the family control the atmosphere and I have to bow to their ways.

Recently, it was made apparent to me that in order for me to be a part of my extended family I have to be bullied into silence. My place is to come to the family occasions and be silent. Or more accurately, I've been told I can come to their occasions if I only give praises.

Now, I don't know how you feel, but sometimes I have to bring up problems. When a child needs to be reprimanded, I have to say something. I don't care if it is the perceived most important persons child who needs the reprimanding.

I'm being accused that this is not being forgiving, but seeks vengeance. What do you think? I just simply cannot move forward in those relationships where the other person is going to make excuse after excuse for their bad behavior and then expects me to agree with their excuses. Well, I don't agree. I believe you say sorry when you've done something wrong. All this contention in my extended family is to allow people to not have to say sorry to each other.

It is amazing to me to see a few of the other perceived less important extended family members ignore me seemingly for fear of the treatment they will get by the perceived most important family members. If you feel that way, that should be witness enough to you the control the perceived most important person has over you. What will they do to you if you reach out to me? Never invite you again to their stuff if you come seeking my side of the story? That's some pretty scary stuff. You are allowing them to judge for you what is going on.

Since I have come to know God, I realize that none of us is more important than others. Each and every one of us is important to God and He treats each of us as an individual with feelings and desires.

Another lesson I've learned is that if you have sinned, the Holy Ghost will come after you all the day long bringing your sin to your remembrance. You can run away from Him. And eventually He will stop coming for you until you soften. Those feelings will feel accusatory. You may mistake those feelings you have as being from the person you sinned against.

Who I've hurt.. Lessons learned

It's a hard lesson to face, but one I've faced lately.

**LESSON**

There are some family members who have ought against me, but they haven't brought their grievances to me. In fact, I only heard about their hurt feelings through other family members.

Well, I can't say I'm blameless at doing this too. In the past, I most certainly have told others' my hurt feelings instead of the person who I had the problem with in the first place. I regret doing that. It really wasn't fair to that person.

Lesson learned. From now on I will go straight to the person who I have ought against.

**LESSON**

Learn Self-Defense...No way!

One more thing. What need would we have of a Savior to plead our case before Heavenly Father if we are so busy defending ourselves? ('I'm just doing the best I can') Don't defend yourself like that when you've done something wrong. Admit your part of the wrong-doing, commit to do better, and ask forgiveness.

It is in this way that the Savior can claim us and plead our case at judgement day. There is no justification in self-defense when repentance through Jesus Christ is the answer. It is Jesus Christ who then makes you clean and new again.

Forgiveness

I have found a certain amount of peace lately that I'd like to share.

When you hurt someone, whether unintentionally or intentionally, the Holy Ghost begins pricking your conscience. Why does the Holy Ghost do that?

How do you respond to the Holy Ghost telling you that what you did was wrong? Do you get angry? Do you blame the other person for MAKING you do what you did? Do you say, 'well it wasn't THAT bad.'

Or do you admit what you did was wrong and then go back and fix the problem?

This is what I meant that I am so bothered when people say, 'I was only doing the best I can.' That is so wrong to say that when you really need to repent.

Not too long ago I was quite careless in one of my choices and it had awful consequences. I took my family of 3 little ones over to visit a sibling of mine on the day they brought their brand newborn baby home from the hospital. We stayed at their house for 2 and 1/2 hours, unintentionally. (My sibling went back into the back bedroom for the 2 and 1/2 hours and I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye) Well, if you've had a baby, you know what it can be like those first days with a new little one. And that's where I should have been sensitive, but I wasn't-- especially since I've had 3 of my own) My family member was furious at our being there for so long, and she let us know it-- in a not-so-gentle way (and who would be gentle under those circumstances?) My sibling had even warned me beforehand how she is especially fragile after having a baby. Well, our relationship has never been the same after that. We apologized to my sibling over and over again. But my sibling won't forgive us. And now there is complete estrangement from my sibling because of it.

Even though my sibling chooses not to forgive me, I have had to forgive myself for what I did to her, and seek God's forgiveness of me too. I am so sorry and regretful. I've also found that I now have to forgive my sibling for not forgiving me.

Baptism and Americans

Josephs baptism was wonderful. At church on Sunday he was presented to the ward as the newest member. He was adorable up there on the stage.

After Sacrament meeting a lady came up to me and told me this story about Joseph:

She was sitting in on Joseph's primary class a couple of weeks ago. The lesson was on how the good Samaritan was kind. The teacher said to the children that anytime they do something kind, they are a good Samaritan. Joseph was sitting there listening intently to the lesson and sits up in his chair to say, "We're not Samaritans, we're Americans."

That is Joseph for you. We love him to pieces.

Bruce

Who can resist this little guy? Little Bruce is taking his first steps already and saying his first words.

Bear Lake

We went to Bear Lake a couple of weeks ago. Jared's boss, Nate, invited us to go to his parents house there at Bear Lake afterwards for hot dogs and chips dinner. It was so much fun. Thanks Nate and Angie!

Baptism

Joseph Cooper Bott is getting baptized by his dad tomorrow. He is our third child to take this important step. Wow!

As the feelings of excitement enter my heart, I can't help but feel the awe at the Lord's love and mercy towards the children of men. Baptism is the gate by which we enter into that leads to the straight and narrow path that leads back to our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is by going down into the water and coming up a new person, through the Lord Jesus Christ. What a great way to go through this life, as a new person in Jesus Christ. As we put off the old person, and place our trust in Jesus, we become holy. Just beautiful!

So many of our extended family relationships are in the dumps, and I feel the emptiness that they won't be sharing in this occasion with us. But, we move onward. I choose not to focus on my sorrow on our special day with our Joseph.

We love you Joseph. And we look forward to your future with excitement and love. The Lord loves you and may the gift of His Son's atonement bring you down into the depths of gratitude and humility all throughout your life, is my prayer.

'She's just doing the best she can.'

'She's just doing the best she can.'

Have you ever been hurt by someone, and the only way you could forgive that person is to tell yourself a line similar to this one?

Have you ever been hurt by someone, and others know about the offense, and they come to tell you that line?

That line really bothers me.

I have tried to use that line as a way to forgive someone who has hurt me.

I want to tell you my experience with it. First, how can I know if someone else is truly doing the best they can? I can't. Second, when I have offended someone else, I don't think to myself, 'I was just doing the best I could.' That doesn't excuse what I did to that other person, nor will it give good feelings to the person who I hurt. Third, just because I try to believe that that other person is doing the best they can, doesn't translate into good feelings being restored between us regarding the offense. I can pretend it does. But, I am only lying to myself. Good feelings will be able to be restored by 'confessing and forsaking' the offense.

This seems so simple. And yet, why do years go by that good feelings go unrestored? Another rhetorical question again, I know. And one that I also know the answers to again.

May we all learn to say, 'I'm sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. I want to be friends.'

And then sincerely work to be respectful of others' feelings and wishes.

Forgiveness, for me, doesn't come by using this line. Forgiveness comes by feeling the love of God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. It comes by knowing how much they love me and that other person. It is a gift given to me, by Him. Jesus Christ has suffered so much for us in His Infinite Atonement. And that gift and knowledge instills in me a forgiving heart.

Some thoughts

The last little while I have considered the fight against evil. While I work to walk away from worldliness, coveting, envy, anger, grudges, caring about what others think of me more than what God thinks of me, etc. I find myself quite alone. The voices all around me try to persuade me to reject Christ. Can you imagine? Reject Christ?

Why would someone do that? Of course that is a rhetorical question and I know the answer to it. I mean, come on, I remember life before my 'rebirth' or should I say 'rebirths' and continuing 'rebirths.'

The Book of Mormon is true.

Christ will come again. He lives.

God is good.

Good kids...

Yesterday at the Chiropractor's office, I had to leave the kids alone in the waiting area while I went back to be adjusted. After I came out, I walked to the receptionists desk to make my next appointment, and the lady says to me, "I just have to say, you have the most well-behaved kids. I am impressed. They have been wonderful." They were in the waiting area for 20 minutes.

Since I started homeschooling, it has been one of my biggest challenges and goals to teach my kids about who they are and why they are here on this earth. I tell them frequently how much their Heavenly Father loves them. I try to use as little 'discipline/punishments' as possible because I know they are good kids and they want to obey me. Instead I correct them a lot. And they are kind to me while I'm doing it. I apologize to them as well when I have been too harsh in my corrections.

It has been quite the journey to figure out how to be the mother I want to be. It is such a sacred responsibility.

Trusting again.

Over the last little while, I have found myself in the perplexing place of not knowing how I was going to trust again. Do I take the risk again of becoming vulnerable to being hurt again? Eeek!

And yet, I know that part of the process of healing is learning to trust again: in myself and in those who have hurt me. And what do I do when trust is broken again, as I'm sure it will be--none of us is perfect.

Something inside me tells me that growing into being able to believe in myself again and trust in consistently living true principles will help me attain God's forgiveness for me. I have done much that I am not proud of, not to mention that lost belief in myself and God that I would conquer my adversities.

As I continue to take that leap of faith in trusting again, what had seemed like an impossibility is becoming believable and do-able.

I feel the peace and strength coming from Father in Heaven that He is there showing me how to trust again and believe in myself again.

Can I trust again?...

Trusting the process. I typed those words into the www.lds.org search engine and you'll never guess what came up? Yep. Addiction recovery. I am now totally convinced I am a recovering co-dependent.


Addiction recovery from www.lds.org
'Step 3 is the decision step. In the first two steps, we
awakened to what we could not do for ourselves
and what we needed God to do for us. Then in step 3
we were introduced to the only thing we could do for
God. We could make a decision to open ourselves to
Him and surrender our entire lives—past, present, and
future—and our will about our lives to Him. Step 3 was
an act of agency. It was the most important choice we
ever made.'

'When we took this step, we felt terrified of the
unknown..What would happen if we humbled ourselves
and surrendered our lives and wills completely to the
care of God? For many of us, childhood (and painful familial
relationships)had been very hard, and we were terrified
of becoming as vulnerable as little children again.'

'Eventually each of us realized that we not only had to
give up our addictions, but we also had to turn our
entire will and life over to God. As we did so, we
found Him patient and accepting of our faltering
efforts to surrender to Him in all things.'

'You can accept with serenity the current reality of
your condition when you trust in God’s ability to help
you. You can accept with serenity that although you
cannot control the choices and actions of others, you
can decide how you will act in each situation you face.'


This is where I am at. I do trust Him. And I find myself in His loving care.

Conversation with Joseph

Today I feel so grateful for the opportunity to show my repentance to God and the world. I choose not to dwell on others problems and embrace the right we each have been given by God to work out our own problems. I choose not to spend time or energy trying to solve others' problems for them.

Instead, I find myself cleaning my kitchen, advising my children in the way of truth and light, and executing tonight's family meal.

Conversation #1 * * *

Sarah says: "Joseph, it is time to get to our studies."

Joseph replies in anger: "Mom, I am so sick of you always telling me what to do!"

Sarah replies with authority: "Joseph, God told us in the scriptures to honor our parents. When you are a dad you will tell your children what to do. That is the way God made it, not me."

Joseph pretends not to hear me and says: "It's like I am your slave."

Vanessa intervenes after being on the scene: "Joseph, it's true, God said it in the Bible. Mom is in charge. God made it that way."

Joseph gets even angrier, says a few more choice words, and goes to his room and slams the door behind him. I let him without saying anything more. Five minutes goes by. The door opens and Joseph appears with a solemn look in his eyes to say, "Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'll do what you say."

I then say, "I love you Joseph. You are such a good boy."

Joseph worked it out on his own. Joseph is 7 years old, and turns 8 this July 31st.

Routine is key

The healing from co-dependency is continuing and progressive.

I am recognizing more each day how much wasted energy I put into thinking about other peoples' problems. I recognize I can do nothing to change their circumstances. I recognize I can change my own life. I am accepting this with gratefulness.

I am getting better and better everyday at getting to my routine. It takes so much energy to break from the old habit of waking up and instantly worrying about others' problems. Something that most likely comes with great ease to 'normal' people is incredibly difficult for me.

This process is called 'detachment.' The definition given by Al-Anon is: Detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, and that we cannot solve their problems, and that worrying doesn't help.

We've had a lot going on.

We cleaned out the food pantry in the kitchen. Actually, Jared and the kids did it! They did an amazing job!

Rex fell into the couch and ripped open his inner lip and had to have 11 stitches. Ouch!

Vanessa had her Dance Review. She did great!

Bruce has started crawling. He is everywhere! Such a doll!

And Jared helped the boys make their Pinewood Derbies. They had a blast! More pics to come with that!

Who is your Counselor?

With all of the voices in this world that tell us this and that should fix our hurts, problems, and challenges, which ones lure you in and deceive you?

Recently, I have been pondering at what lures me in. Cookies have done it too many times. It goes like this...

As I've said before, I wake up angry. The familiar thoughts start running through my head of all of the hurtful things in my life. Feeling feelings and trying to discuss them has gotten me the accusation of having PMS, and resentment has grown inside of me for that. I often heard, "You have PMS, Sarah." Really, what I was being told was, 'go away.'

I 'try' to run away from it all. I don't want to feel. What do I do with all of these feelings?

So, I run to buy cookies.

I run to buy clothing or shoes.

I run to the phone to talk to a friend.

I run to 'give to others' endlessly, when I am an empty vessel myself. This causes me to have feelings of more anger at my pretended'kindnesses.' Guilt, anger, and shame fill me because the cookies, shopping and endless service isn't working to 'fix' me.

At the end of the day, I run to have a one-sided communication with Heavenly Father, telling Him how sorry I am for being such a horrible person. And before He can say anything back to me, my head hits the pillow, and I'm asleep. The night is filled with awful dreams of re-enactments of my hurts.

I can't get away from it. So, more shopping hits my routine of daily tasks for the next day.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can I understand, He, only One.
He answers privately. Reaches my reaching, in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind, love without end.

He is the answer. He is our Counselor. He is the way out of our problems. My routine is changing. I stop running.

I begin to see the first step

I awoke today with familiar feelings. The familiar feelings of shame for who I am and the unworthiness to exist. They threaten to take my soul into a dark place that I am even more familiar with. As I let the feelings wash over me, I decide to allow myself to be the human I was meant to be and I go to that dark place. I have learned that forcing myself not to go to that place is only illusionary. I end up in the dark place whether I want to admit it or not.

It's dark here. It's lonely here. It's sad here. So many wrong decisions have been made. So many hard feelings towards others have been felt. Deeds done that I wish I could take back.

After a couple of minutes of just feeling whatever feeling comes into my heart, I lay in my bed, still.

Then I hear little Bruce is awake and wanting me. I retrieve him from his crib and lay him next to me in my bed. As I begin to nurse him, I look into his little eyes which are gazing into mine. I feel such love for this little man. His innocence and purity warms my heart. He doesn't take his eyes off of me, and I don't take my eyes off of him. I soak in the moments with this little one. I begin dreaming of the life this little guy will live. I wonder at the choices he'll make and the journey that will be his here on this earth. I begin planning all the lessons he'll need in order to make a safe journey.

It is at this moment that I begin to see the first step I need to make to the hard climb of finding the healing that Gethsemane offers. I find peace and strength in the thought that I can get out of this darkness and that Jesus Christ came for this very reason.

Needy Child Syndrome

To say that I was a needy child would probably be putting it lightly. I needed a lot of attention and instruction. Sadly though, I was child number 6 of 12 to my parents and as a result, got very little instruction and interaction with my parents.

Why do I bring this up? And how does this relate to my recovery from co-dependency?

Well, all children are self centered. It is a tremendous work to teach a child to forget themselves and care for others.

When I over-achieved in taking care of my other siblings and caring to the household duties that were my moms responsibilities, I did it to get something back from my mom for myself. So, on the outside I looked like this loving, caring, and selfless person, when really I did it all to get something back.

Referring to Elder Hales talk again:

Quote: 'There are three important elements that will allow us to make good decisions:
...And third, we need to examine our motives each time we make a decision.' Unquote


The motives behind my decision to give so much to my needy parents was so that I would get what I needed from them. I worked, I slaved, I gave up my own interests, I felt sorry for them, etc. It was all about me.

This made me a very angry and needy person myself. I became a person obsessed that my parents 'get better.' While I was taking such good care of my parents (at least I had convinced myself I was such a good caretaker of them,) I was failing miserably at taking care of myself.

So, who was going to take care of Sarah and her problems, duties, and work? I couldn't do it myself. I was way too absorbed and consumed in all of my parents needs and problems.

Well, this is the huge discovery. It is also the challenge I have ahead of me. I am in the habit of worrying about my parents' needs and problems, not mine.

Recovery from Co-dependence

Seven years ago I was watching a BYU Continuing Education program on channel 21. The message was about co-dependent relationships. I remember thinking that that sounded like a problem I had in my life. But, life was really busy back then and I soon forgot about that program.

Then last week that program came back into my head. The only thing that I remember from the program is the word co-dependent. So, I went to lds.org a couple of days ago and typed in the word co-dependent. A talk given by Robert D. Hales came up along with 4 other links to go to that referred to addiction recovery.

Here is a quote from the talk: 'About three to four years ago, Joe was an alcoholic. Linda, while she did not drink, was co-dependent emotionally on the behavior of an alcoholic husband. She was nearing a nervous breakdown. She had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. So she left home, taking the children, except for a fourteen-year-old son.'


I have searched for the meaning of co-dependent and in part found this:

"An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individuals's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."


This is the home I grew up in. I was not allowed to discuss my problems and challenges. For whatever reasons, the affect that had on me was not good. I became obsessed with trying to fix my parents problems and tried to make them be happy because I was fixing their problems. I did this so that they then would be available to me.


Continuing on with what co-dependence is, I found this: A fairly common demoninator of co-dependence is having a relationship with troubled, needy, or dependent people. And a more common denominator is having unwritten, silent rules in a family that: 1. prohibits discussion about problems, 2. prohibits open expression of feelings, 3. prohibits direct, honest communication 4. prohibits realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect 5. allows selfishness 6. prohibits trust in other people or one's self 7. prohibits playing and having fun.



I have come to realize how co-dependent I am. I am much like the women Elder Hales referred to. As a child I became obsessed with controlling my parents behavior. I spent all my energy worrying about their recovering from their problems. I over-achieved in taking care of their other children, I spent my time making sure the house was quiet so they could sleep (they were employed graveyard shifts,) I didn't ask ANYTHING from them. I did all of this hoping their behavior would change and they would release me from the unspoken, oppressive rule they had on me - the rule that I couldn't express my feelings and discuss my problems.


Because I recognize how co-dependence has been hurting me in my life, I'm going to be spending the next little while discussing it on my blog. I'm doing with the hopes too that it might help someone else. Like the women in Elder Hales talk who said she was nearing a nervous breakdown because of her husbands behavior, she had made the decision to save herself and the children from the manipulative behavior of a husband suffering from alcoholism. Although the people in my life are not alcoholics, I have been trying to control their behavior nonetheless. It is my goal to recover from it!

Sometimes, and actually more regularly, I feel so grateful to be a part of these little ones lives. They are such a joy to be around. I try to savor every moment, even the challenging ones. Little Bruce is a joy to have and we love him to pieces. Rex is 4 years old and voicing his opinions more and more often. Vanessa is a jewel. She is turning 11 here pretty soon. I feel so lucky to be her mom.

Family fun with the John Taylors

John and Dexy came up to Logan about a month ago and spent some time with us. It was so much fun to hang out with them and renew our friendships. And after Jared's dinner, Dexy cleaned my dishes better than they have been cleaned in awhile. Thanks Dexy! We played Apples to Apples with the kids and had a blast! And then Jared ran to the grocery store to end the night with a yummy ice cream cone. Thanks Jared!

New hobbies

Between Jared's love for physical exercise, and Eric's love of picture taking, we get these great shots. We have had so much fun going to watch Jared play ward ball these last couple of weeks.

A lot going on

We have had so much going on, but the most recent change with us is that Jared got a new schedule at work. He was doing the graveyard shift. In the next week or two he will change from 5am-5pm. It will be so nice to have a more normal life. And now I don't have to keep kids quiet while Jared sleeps. It's going to be a rough time getting used to it though.. Not that I'm complaining;)

Sacrifice

Nov 2007 Ensign, Elder Porter says:

"After His Resurrection, Jesus Christ declared to the people in the New World:

“Your sacrifices and your burnt offerings shall be done away, for I will accept none of [them]. …

“And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart … , him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost” (3 Nephi 9:19–20).

What are a broken heart and a contrite spirit? And why are they considered a sacrifice?"



I had to look up the word contrite. We don't offer burnt offerings to God anymore. We offer broken hearts and contrite spirits. Contrite means sorrow or regret. Since I haven't been running away from my sins, I can be more honest in my sorrow and regret for the wrongs I do. It is a wonderful feeling to be forgiven.


Elder Porter continues:

"As in all things, the Savior’s life offers us the perfect example: though Jesus of Nazareth was utterly without sin, He walked through life with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, as manifested by His submission to the will of the Father. “For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me” (John 6:38). To His disciples He said, “Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29). And when the time came to pay the ultimate sacrifice entailed in the Atonement, Christ shrank not to partake of the bitter cup but submitted completely to His Father’s will.

The Savior’s perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Christ’s example teaches us that a broken heart is an eternal attribute of godliness. When our hearts are broken, we are completely open to the Spirit of God and recognize our dependence on Him for all that we have and all that we are. The sacrifice so entailed is a sacrifice of pride in all its forms. Like malleable clay in the hands of a skilled potter, the brokenhearted can be molded and shaped in the hands of the Master.

A broken heart and a contrite spirit are also preconditions to repentance. Lehi taught:

“Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah. …

“Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered” (2 Nephi 2:6–7).

When we sin and desire forgiveness, a broken heart and a contrite spirit mean to experience “godly sorrow [that] worketh repentance” (2 Corinthians 7:10). This comes when our desire to be cleansed from sin is so consuming that our hearts ache with sorrow and we yearn to feel at peace with our Father in Heaven."


This is a fabulous talk! I suggest the full read. It is such a pity that I was not taught any of this in my youth. But, oh how I rejoice that I am learning it now! For my heart does ache to feel at peace with Father in Heaven always. And the glorious gift of the Atonement given us by our Savior Jesus Christ is everything to me.